mods please lmk if this violates the rules. i’m posting here because I write about the mob/casino and many relevant themes that are important elements of the Sopranos, in my opinion. I think they’re of the same medium and genre so wanted to post here. Hope that’s alright. Cheers! (11 min read) ————————————————————————
EDIT 2: TL;DR -
Casino is a story of sexual and financial intrigue, mob violence, union pension fund embezzlement, a “love” story, and the protagonist's masochist addiction to the pain and chaos his lover inflicts on him. It turns out that the sharp-minded genius who meticulously runs the casino, is no more rational than the gamblers who routinely frequent the casino, coming back to lose their money and hoping that the odds will magically shift in their favor.
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Every good filmmaker makes the same movie over and over again—Martin Scorsese is no different
Scorsese's Casino is a phenomenal story of the condoned chaos and "legalized robbery" that happens on a daily basis to gamblers who bett away thousands of dollars and return each day for more “FinDom,” but without any of the sexual sadism. The whole scam only persists because the house always wins: the odds are stacked 3 million to one on the slot machines, but the same shmucks return wide-eyed each day hoping for a different outcome, devoid of any rational re-evaluation required to maintain their grasp on reality, and the liquidity of their bank accounts.
Casino is a story of sexual and financial intrigue, mob violence, union pension fund embezzlement, a “love” story, and the protagonist's masochist addiction to the pain and chaos his lover inflicts on him. It turns out that the sharp-minded genius who meticulously runs the casino, is no more rational than the gamblers who routinely frequent the casino, coming back to lose their money and hoping that the odds will magically shift in their favor.
Robert De Niro plays Sam "Ace" Rothstein, recruited by his childhood friend Nick "Nicky" Santorno to help run the Tangiers casino, which is funded by an investment made with the Teamsters’ pension fund. Ace’s job is to keep the bottom line flowing so that the Mafia's skimming operation can continue seamlessly. De Niro's character felt like half-way between Travis from Taxi Driver (of course, nowhere as mentally disturbed) and half of the addictive excess, greed, and eccentric business-mind of Jordan Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street.
Ace’s attention to detail gives him a rain-man-esque sensibility; his ability to see every scam, trick, hand signal, and maneuver happening on the casino floor make him the perfect manager of the casino, and take his managerial style to authoritarian heights in his pursuit of order and control over what is an inherently unstable and dynamic scheme; betting, hedging outcomes, and walking the line to keep the money flowing and the gamblers coming back. I’m not claiming Ace is autistic, I'm no clinician, but his managerial sensibilities over the daily operations of the casino, from the dealers to the pit bosses, to the shift managers, are to the point of disturbing precision, he has eyes everywhere, and knows how to remove belligerent customers with class and professionalism, but ultimately is short sighted in “reading” the human beings he is in relationship with. Ace is frustratingly naive and gullible in his partnership with Nicky and the threat he poses to him, and in his marriage with Ginger.
Ace has no personal aspirations to extract millions of dollars for himself out of the casino corruption venture. Ace simply wants the casino to operate as efficiently as possible, and he has no qualms about being a pawn of the bosses. While Sam, “the Golden Jew”—as he is called—is the real CEO of the whole enterprise, directing things at Tangiers for the benefit of the bosses “back home.” Ace’s compliance is juxtaposed with Nicky’s outrage upon feeling used: he gripes about how he is in “the trenches” while the bosses sit back and do nothing. Note that none of the activity Nicky engages in outside of the casino—doing the work of “taking Las Vegas over”—is authorized by the bosses. Ultimately Nicky’s inability to exert control over his crew and the street lead to his demise.
In the end, capitalism, and all that happens in the confines of the casino, is nothing but “organized violence.” Sound familiar? The mob has a capitalist structure in its organization and hierarchy: muscle men collect and send money back to the bosses who do not labor tirelessly “in the trenches.” The labor of the collectors is exploited to create the profits of their bosses. The entire business-model of the Mafia is predicated on usury and debtors defaulting on loans for which the repayment is only guaranteed by the threat of violence. But this dynamic is not without its internal contradictions and tensions, as seen in Casino.
In a comedic turn, the skimmers get skimmed! The bosses begin to notice the thinning of the envelopes and lighter and lighter suitcases being brought from the casino to Kansas City, “back home”. The situation continues to spin out of control, but a mid-tier mafioso articulates the careful balance required for the skimming operation to carry on: to keep the skimming operation functioning, the skimmers need to be kept loyal and happy. It’s a price the bosses have to pay to maintain the operation, “leakage” in their terms. Ace’s efficient management and precision in maintaining order within Tangiers is crucial for the money to keep flowing. But Ace’s control over the casino slips more and more as the movie progresses. We see this as the direct result of Nicky’s ascendance as mob kingpin in Vegas, the chaos he creates cannot be contained and disrupts the profits and delicate dynamics that keep the scam running.
Of course I can’t help myself here! We should view Scorsese’s discography, and the many portrayals of capitalist excess not as celebratory fetishization, but a critique of the greed and violence he so masterfully captures on film. See the Wolf of Wall Street for its tale of money as the most dangerous drug of them all, and the alienation—social and political—showcased in Taxi Driver. Scorsese uses the mob as a foil to the casino to attack the supposed monopoly the casino holds on legitimate, legal economic activity that rests on institutionalized theft. When juxtaposed with the logic of organized crime, we begin to see that the two—Ace and Nick—are not so different after all.
The only dividing line between the casino and organized crime is the law. Vegas is a lawless town yes, “the Wild West” as Nicky puts it, but there are laws in Vegas. The corruption of the political establishment and ruling elites is demonstrated when they pressure Ace to re-hire an incompetent employee who he fired for his complicity in a cheating scam or his stupidity in letting the slot machines get rigged; nepotism breeds mediocrity. In the end, Ace’s fall is the result of the rent-seeking behavior that the Vegas ruling class wields to influence the gaming board to not even permit Ace a fair hearing for his gaming license, which would’ve given him the lawful authority to officially run Tangiers. The elites use the political apparatus of the State to resist the new gang in town, the warring faction of mob-affiliated casino capitalists. While the mob’s only weapon to employ is that of violence. The mafia is still subservient to the powers that be within the political and economic establishment of Vegas, and they’re told “this is not your town.”
I’d like to make the most salient claim of this entire review now. Casino is a western film. The frontier of the Wild West is Vegas in this case, where the disorder of the mob wreaks havoc on, an until then, an “untapped market.” The investment scheme that the Teamsters pension fund is exploited for as seed capital, is an attempt to remain in the confines of the law while extracting as much value as possible through illegal and corrupt means for the capitalist class of the mob (and the ultimately dispensable union president). Tangiers exists in the liminal space of condoned economic activity as a legal and otherwise standard casino. While the violence required to maintain the operation, corrupts the legal legitimacy it never fully enjoyed from the beginning. This mirrors the bounty economy of the West and the out-sourcing of the law and the execution of the law, to bounty hunters. There is no real authority out in the frontier, the killer outlaw on the run is not so different from the bounty hunter who enjoys his livelihood by hunting down the killers. Yet, he himself is not the State. The wide-lens frame of Ace and Nicky meeting in the desert felt like a direct homage to the iconic image of the Western standoff. The conflict between Ace and Nick, the enforcer and the mastermind, is an approximation of the conflicts we might see in John Wayne’s films. The casino venture itself could be seen as an analogy of the frontier-venturism of railroad pioneers going to lay track to develop the West into a more industrial region.
I would have believed that this was a documentary about how the mob took over control of the Vegas casinos in the 1970-80s … if it were not for the viewer being expected to believe that Robert De Niro could play a Jew; it's hard to believe a man with that accent and the roles he’s played his entire career could be a “CRAZY JEW FUCK!!” I kid! But alas, De Niro is a class act and the last of the many greats of a bygone era. At times, it felt like Joe Pesci lacked talent as an actor, but his portrayal of the scummy, backstabbing bastard in Nicky was genuinely remarkable, but I might consider his performance the weak point of the movie. It’s weird to see a man that short, be that much of physical menace. There are a number of Sopranos actors in Casino. I’m sure Vincent Chase watched the movie and said to himself, “bet, i’ll cast half of these guys.”The set design and costumes were gorgeous. The styles and fashion of the time were spectacular. Scorsese’s signature gratuitous violence featured prominently, but tastefully. The camera work, tracking shots through the casino and spatial movement was incredible and I thought the cinematography was outstanding, the Western-esque wide lens in the desert was worthy of being a framed still.
The Nicky//Ace dynamic is excellent and the two play off of each other well. The conflict between the two of them escalates gradually, and then Nicky’s betrayal of Ace by cheating with Ginger marks the final break between the two of them. Nicky’s mob faculties represent a brutal, violent theft that is illegal and requires the enforcement of violence by organized crime. Despite the illegal embezzlement and corruption at play with the “skimming” operation at work at the casino, the general business model of the casino stands in contrast to the obscene violence of the loan sharks. Ace operates an intelligent operation of theft through the casino, and his hands-on management approach is instrumental to the success of the casino. Nicky’s chaos pervades the casino, and the life and activities of “the street” begin to bleed into Ace’s ability to maintain order in the casino. “Connected” types begin frequenting the casino, and Ace unknowingly forces one particularly rude gambler to leave the casino, who happens to have mob ties with Nicky. The “organized violence” of the casino cannot stay intact perfectly, because the very thing holding it together is the presence of the mob. Nicky is in Vegas as the enforcer and tasked with protecting Ace but his independent, entrepreneurial (shall we call them?) aspirations lead him to attempt to overtake what he realizes is a frontier for organized crime to brutalize and exploit the characters of “the street” (pimps, players, addicts, dealers, and prostitutes) and the owners of small private businesses.
Nicky is reckless, “when i plant my flag out here you won’t need your [casino/gaming] license” Nicky thinks he, and Ace, can bypass the regulations and bureaucratic legal measures by sheer force of violence alone. But ultimately Nicky is shortsighted and doesn’t have a real attachment to the success of the casino. After all, he isn’t getting profits from it (or much anyway) and isn’t permitted to play a real, active role in its daily functions because of his belligerent, untamed personality. Nicky has no buy-in that would motivate him to follow the rules or to work within the legal parts of the economy, it’s not the game he knows how to play, and win. All that he is loyal to, or deferent too, is the bosses back home; for whom he maintains absolute, uncompromising loyalty to, but still holds intense spite for.
And now to the more compelling element of the narrative. Sam “Ace” Rothstein is positioned as remarkably intelligent, he makes informed decisions that aid in his skill as a gambler, he can read people to determine whether he’s being conned, he has an attention to detail—aided by the casino’s surveillance apparatus which monitors cheating—that is almost unbelievable. Ace knows when he’s being cheated, he knows how to rig the game so that the house always wins, enacting psychological warfare to break down the confidence of would be proficient gamblers, who could threaten Tangiers’ bottom line. But in the end, the greatest gamble Ace makes is his marriage to Ginger. Ginger is the seductive, charismatic, and flirtatious madame who makes her money with tricks and her sexual power. Ginger works as a prostitute, seducing men, and extracting everything she can, almost as a sort of sexual-financial vampirism.
Ginger is the bad bet Ace can’t stop making even when she destroys his life, her own, and puts their daughter Amy in harm’s way. Ginger is the gamble Ace made wrong, but he keeps going back to her every time, trying to rationalize how she might change and be different the next time. Ace is not a victim to Ginger’s antics. Ginger makes it clear who she is: an addict, alcoholic, manic shopaholic who will use all of her powers to extract everything she can from everyone around her. She uses everyone to her advantage and manipulates men with her sexual power in exchange for their money and protection. Ginger had a price for her hand in marriage: $1 million in cash and $1 million worth of jewelry that are left to her and her alone as a sort of emergency fund.
Ace’s numerous attempts to buy Ginger’s love—and the clear fact that no matter how expensive the fur coat and how grand the mansion, none of it would ever be enough to satisfy her—mirrored Jordan Belfort’s relationship with Naomi in The Wolf of Wall Street. Both relationships carried the same manic volatility and conflict over child custody was found in both films, with the roles reversed in the respective films. Ginger may be irredeemable and a pathological liar, but Ace can’t claim that she wasn’t clear with him; when he asked her to marry him, Ginger said she didn’t love Ace. Ace replied that love could be “developed” but required a foundation of trust to develop. That trust was never there to begin with. The love was doomed from the start to destroy the two of them; two addicts, two gamblers, lying on a daily basis to one another and themselves about reality to justify their respective existences, the marriage, and Ace’s livelihood. And as Ginger pointed out, “I should have never married him. He’s a gemini, a triple gemini … a snake” Maybe astrology has some truth to it after all.
Now I’m not licensed (but hey neither was Ace, and he ran a casino empire!), but Ginger has the inklings of a borderline personality: her manic depression, narcissism, drug and alcohol abuse, and constant begging for forgiveness all seem indications of a larger psychological disorder at play. In the end, Ginger runs away with all the money Ace left her and finds her people in Los Angeles, the pimps, whores, and addicts she fits in with, in turn exploit and kill her for 3 grand in mint coins by giving her a ‘hot’ dose.
Overall, Casino is an incredible cinematic experience. I highly recommend watching this and seeing it as part of Scorsese's anthology of commentary on our economic system and its human victims. I’d argue that Casino, Wolf of Wall Street, and The Irishman all fit together nicely into a trilogy of the Scorsesean history of finance and corruption from the 70s to the 90s.
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EDIT 2: TL;DR —
Casino is a story of sexual and financial intrigue, mob violence, union pension fund embezzlement, a “love” story, and the protagonist's masochist addiction to the pain and chaos his lover inflicts on him. It turns out that the sharp-minded genius who meticulously runs the casino, is no more rational than the gamblers who routinely frequent the casino, coming back to lose their money and hoping that the odds will magically shift in their favor.

A list of some surprising good fantasy books involving pirates.

Perhaps nowhere does storytelling so totally reverse reality as when it deals with pirates. It’s difficult not to like swashbuckling rogues tweaking the noses of the uptight British ninnies as they ply their brave way across the wild, lusty seas.
Of course, actual pirates were about as romantic as the tortures they would inflict on prisoners, including holding lighted matches to the victim’s eyes or keel-hauling, where a sailor had a rope tied to each arm and thrown off the bow of a ship. The unfortunate was then dragged along the length of ship, scraping against the sharp barnacles and probably drowning.
Fun fact: “Avast!” means “Stop!” or “Stand still!” not “Hello, fellow pirate!”

21. Corsair by Chris Bunch – 2001

Swashbuckling captain Gareth Radnor has taken command of the Steadfast. But the young captain intends more than seeking his fortune. He wants vengeance against the Linyati slavers who murdered his family. Crewed by a motley band of adventurers, his carrack plunges through the salty waves, striking at the Linyati wherever it can.
And then he discovers something more compelling even than revenge: The Linyati aren’t human…

“Hard edged, salty… a fantasy adventure that will keep you up at night reading.”
—Terry Brooks, author of the Shannara series

20. The Mark of Ran by Paul Kearne – 2004

Book 1 of 2 in The Sea Beggars Series
In a world abandoned by its Creator, an ancient race once existed, with powers so extensive that they were seen as both angles and demons. Rol Cortishane was raised in a remote fishing village, ignorant that the blood of this long-forgotten race runs in his veins. Driven from home, Rol is trained in the assassin’s craft and tutored by the beautiful but troubled Rowen. Now they’ve set their sights across the sea in search of the Hidden City and an adventure that will make them legends, if it doesn’t kill them first.
In the non-fantasy world, the Sea Beggars (the name of this series) really existed. They were a confederacy of Dutch nobles, who, from 1566, opposed Spanish rule in the Netherlands. They arrived in large numbers to complain to the king, but some wit told the ruling Spanish regent not to worry, for the large group was “only beggars.” The angry group of nobles did not forget the appellation and henceforth called themselves the Beggars. The most successful Beggars operated at sea (i.e., were pirates) and were known as the Sea Beggars.

19. Of Shadow and Sea by Will Wight – 2015

Book 1 of 2 in The Elder Empire Series
The Guild of Navigators (i.e., swindlers and pirates) has been paid a fortune to secure the Heart, a cursed artifact that will give wild power to its bearer. The Guild’s only lord is greed, their only loyalty to gold, and they would sell the Empire’s freedom for the promise of a quick coin.
Author Will Wight is well regarded for his likable characters and irreverent tone. Most epic fantasies tend to be high-minded and serious, but Wight has a decidedly more down-to-earth approach.

18. Pirate Latitudes by Michael Crichton – 2009

I’m not a giant Michael Crichton fan. Generally, I think his ideas and research are more interesting than the actual books he creates. This one’s fun, though.
This book was unknown until after Crichton’s death—his assistant found it on a computer. However, there’s evidence Crichton was working on it, on and off, since the 1970s.
Pirate Latitudes is a caper novel set in the high seas with a strong regard to the reality of the times. Because of this, it probably doesn’t belong in a fantasy list like this one. However, it’s a damn fine pirate tale, and that’s good enough for me.
The Historical Novel Society notes: “Crichton’s portrayal of Port Royal and its inhabitants is far more grounded in reality than Disney’s portrayal. Crichton does not gloss over the slavery, addiction and brutality of colonial Jamaica, nor does he endow his characters with abilities beyond their training or station in life.”
So don’t expect Jack Sparrow.

17. The Fox by Sherwood Smith – 2007

Book 2 of 4 in the Inda Series
You might want to read the first book in the series, Inda, before diving into this one.
Young prince and military genius Inda, forced to turn mercenary after conspirators engineered his exile from Choraed Elgaer, is gathering allies for a sea campaign against the piratical Brotherhood. But Inda’s attention soon shifts toward the ambitious Venn Empire, which wants to use him as a political pawn.
The hardcover version of this book is significantly cheaper than the paperback. Go figure.

“[L]ively… spare yet complex characterizations and a narrative that balances sweeping action and uneasy intimacy.”
—Publishers Weekly

16. Retribution Falls by Chris Wooding – 2011

Book 1 of 3 in the Tales of the Ketty Jay Series
This is magical steampunk, so it’s a little nuts. I mean that as a compliment.
Sky piracy is a bit out of Darian Frey’s league. Fate has not been kind to the captain of the airship Ketty Jay—or his motley crew. They are all running from something. Crake is a daemonist in hiding, traveling with an armored golem and burdened by guilt. Jez is the new navigator, desperate to keep her secret from the rest of the crew. Malvery is a disgraced doctor, drinking himself to death. So when an opportunity arises to steal a chest of gems from a vulnerable airship, Frey can’t pass it up. It’s an easy take—and the payoff will finally make him a rich man.
But when the attack goes horribly wrong, Frey suddenly finds himself the most wanted man in Vardia, trailed by bounty hunters, the elite Century Knights, and the dread queen of the skies, Trinica Dracken. Frey realizes that they’ve been set up to take a fall but doesn’t know the endgame. And the ultimate answer for captain and crew may lie in the legendary hidden pirate town of Retribution Falls. That’s if they can get there without getting blown out of the sky.

“Beautifully crafted prose and some remarkably imaginative scenes…and Wooding’s sprawling, multifaceted world and rough-and-tumble action will delight steampunk fans.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)

15. The King’s Buccaneer by Raymond E. Feist – 1992

Book 5 of the Riftwar Cycle
Long recovered from the ravages of the Riftwar, the land and people of the kingdom of the Isles thrive. Nicholas, the youngest son of Prince Arutha, is intelligent and gifted but vastly inexperienced. In hopes of hardening him, his father sends him and his irreverent squire, Harry, to live at rustic Castle Crydee to learn of life beyond the halls of privilege. But within weeks of Nicholas and Harry’s arrival, Crydee is viciously attacked by unknown assailants, resulting in murder, massive destruction, and the abduction of two young noblewomen. The raiders have come from a pirate haven and are no ordinary foe, while an enemy connected to dark magical forces threaten the lands Nicholas will someday rule—if he survives.

“Feist once again delivers a superior, rousing adventure.”
—Publishers Weekly

14. The Pyrates by George MacDonald Fraser – 1983

The Pyrates is satire, send-up, and love-letter to what swashbucklers have become. It’s a Naked Gun take on Errol Flynn pirates. If you don’t know what “Naked Gun” or “Errol Flynn” is then I envy you because you’re about to discover some great stuff.

13. Isle of Swords by Wayne Thomas Batson – 2008

Book 1 of 3 in the Isle Chronicles
Captain Declan Ross searched for riches that will free him and his headstrong daughter, Anne, from the piracy business forever. Bartholomew Thorne, an infamously ruthless pirate, seeks to destroy Ross and any who stand in his way of the legendary treasure hidden by a mysterious order of monks.
Despite featuring a scene where a monk gets skinned alive, this book won a “Mom’s Choice Award” for family-friendly entertainment. Depends on the family, I guess.

12. Red Seas Under Red Skies by Scott Lynch – 2007

Book 2 of 3 in the Gentlemen Bastards Series
Initially poised to rob the Sinspire, the notoriously thief-proof casino where the penalty for cheating is death, Locke and his partner, Jean, are unwillingly sidetracked into joining and then leading a pirate crew, swindling their way across the sea as they had previously done on land.

“[C]harming, unpredictable and fast on its feet and stands surprisingly well on its own given its convoluted plot.”
—Publishers Weekly

11. Pirate Freedom by Gene Wolfe – 2007

Fresh from the monastery, the former novice finds himself inexplicably transported back to the Golden Age of Piracy, where an unexpected new life awaits him. At first, he resists joining the notorious Brethren of the Coast, but he soon embraces the life of a buccaneer, even as he succumbs to the seductive charms of a beautiful and enigmatic señorita. As the captain of his own possibly cursed ship, he plunders the West Indies in search of Spanish gold. From the stormy waters of the Caribbean to steamy tropical jungles, Captain Chris finds danger, passion, adventure, and treachery as he hoists the black flag and sets sail for the Spanish mainland.
Where he will finally come to port only God knows…

“Wolfe…[fills] his story with duels, treachery, ship-to-ship combat and an abundance of accurate period detail.”
—Publishers Weekly

10. The Red Wolf Conspiracy by Robert V. S. Redick – 2008

Book 1 of 4 in the Cathrand Voyage Series
Six hundred years old, the Imperial merchant ship Chathrand is a massive floating outpost of the Empire of Arqual. And it is on its most vital mission yet: to deliver a young woman whose marriage will seal the peace between Arqual and its mortal enemy, the Mzithrin Empire. But Thasha, the young noblewoman in question, may be bringing her swords to the altar.
For the ship’s true mission is not peace but war—a war that threatens to rekindle an ancient power long thought lost. As the Chathrand navigates treacherous waters, Thasha must seek unlikely allies—including a magic-cursed deckhand, a stowaway tribe of foot-high warriors, and a singularly heroic rat—and enter a treacherous web of intrigue to uncover the secret of the legendary Red Wolf.

“Insane god-kings, miniature warriors and sentient animals fight over a powerful ancient artifact in Redick’s dramatic, complex debut… Both adult and young adult readers will find much to enjoy in this tale of sea-faring and bloody diplomacy.”
—Publishers Weekly

9. Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini – 1922

Book 1 of 3 in the Captain Blood Series
This book is a little more subtle than its title would suggest.
Dr. Peter Blood, is an Irish physician who was once a sailor and a soldier. In the aftermath of the Monmouth rebellion, Dr. Blood is arrested for treason. While he did not actually participate in the rebellion, rather he aided a wounded rebel, he is tried and convicted nonetheless. The sentence for treason is death, but King James II has the sentence commuted and instead sells Captain Blood and his fellow rebels into slavery.

“Glorious… I never enjoyed a novel more than Captain Blood.”
—Norman Mailer

8. The Assassin’s Curse by Cassandra Rose Clark – 2012

Book 1 of 2 in The Assassin’s Curse Series
Ananna abandons ship when her parents try to marry her off to an allying pirate clan. She wants to captain her own boat, not serve as second-in-command to her handsome yet clueless fiancé. But her escape has dire consequences when she learns the scorned clan has sent an assassin after her.
And when the assassin Naji finally catches up with her, things get even worse. Ananna inadvertently triggers a nasty curse—with a life-altering result. Now Ananna and Naji are forced to become uneasy allies as they work together to break the curse and return their lives back to normal. Or at least as normal as the lives of a pirate and an assassin can be.

“Clarke’s debut harkens back to the best in fantasy/adventure, offering rock-solid worldbuilding, satisfyingly perilous obstacles and a protagonist whose charismatic ’tude goes way beyond spunk. Ananna’s voice grabs readers from the beginning…and doesn’t let go.”
—Kirkus (starred review)

7. Ship of Magic by Robin Hobb – 1998

Book 1 of 3 in The Liveship Traders Series
Bingtown is a hub of exotic trade and home to a merchant nobility famed for its liveships—rare vessels carved from wizardwood, which ripens magically into sentient awareness. Now the fortunes of one of Bingtown’s oldest families rest on the newly awakened liveship, Vivacia.
For Althea Vestrit, the ship is her rightful legacy. But the fate of Althea and the ship may ultimately lie in the hands of a ruthless buccaneer who plans to seize power over the Pirate Isles by capturing a liveship and bending it to his will.

6. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea by Jules Verne – 1870

While his description of this new thing called a “submarine” is fun even for modern readers, it’s the brilliant but tortured Captain Nemo who steals the show as one of, if not the, best pirate in English literature.

5. The Walrus & the Warwolf by Hugh Cook – 1988

Book 4 of 6 in the Chronicles of an Age of Darkness Series
On his 16th birthday, churlish Drake Douay finds himself exiled from his homeland amid a treacherous crew of pirates on the open sea. Through battles with sea monsters, mysterious cults, weird technology of a bygone age, and the warring gangs of two pirate lords, Drake explores a world of dark fantasy and betrayal with his keen wit and a sharp sword—his only protection from an early death.
Readers are usually divided: this is either one of their favorite books, or the long litany of adventures becomes boring after a while.

4. Throne of the Crescent Moon by Saladin Ahmed – 2012

Book 1 in the Crescent Moon Kingdoms Series
A finalist for the Hugo, Nebula, Crawford, Gemmell, and British Fantasy Awards, and the winner of the Locus Award for Best First Novel.
The Crescent Moon Kingdoms, home to djenn and ghuls, holy warriors and heretics, are at the boiling point of a power struggle between the iron-fisted Khalif and the mysterious master thief known as the Falcon Prince. In the midst of this brewing rebellion, a series of brutal supernatural murders strikes at the heart of the Kingdoms. But these killings are only the earliest signs of a plot for the Throne of the Crescent Moon that threatens to turn the great city of Dhamsawwaat, and the world itself, into a blood-soaked ruin.

“Ahmed’s debut masterfully paints a world both bright and terrible.”
—Publishers Weekly (starred review)

3. Mad Kestrel by Misty Massey – 2008

In a world where infants with magical powers are torn from their parents to be raised by the mysterious and powerful Danisoba, who have a monopoly on magic, Kestrel has managed to keep her abilities concealed—and herself free. First hiding in back alleys as a street urchin, she hid when they killed her parents, and then served as a young tavern maid before escaping to sea, where magic is cancelled by water.
Now an adult, and the quartermaster of a pirate ship, Kestrel loves the freedom of living on the seas. But her way of life could end if anyone on board learns her closely guarded secret—that she has magical control over the wind.
One day a black ship appears, and her life changes. Its captain is a handsome rogue of whom Kestrel is strangely, constantly aware. When Kestrel’s captain is led into a trap and is arrested, she gathers her crew and sets sail in relentless pursuit…

“This rollicking debut combines swashbuckling sea adventure, fantasy and romance with great success.”
—Publishers Weekly

2. Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie – 1904

Sure, Peter Pan and Tinkerbell are great, but it’s the enmity of the pirate Captain Hook that makes this story exciting.

1. On Stranger Tides by Tim Powers – 1987

This is the inspiration of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but it’s different in many ways and stands well on its own.
Puppeteer John Chandagnac, bound for Jamaica to recover stolen money from his uncle, becomes Jack Shandy after pirates attack his ship and force him to join their crew. Shandy’s struggle to accept his new life grounds the story for readers, even as Blackbeard and vodun magicians whisk everyone away to dreamlike lands where the Fountain of Youth itself awaits.

“Powers writes action and adventure that Indiana Jones could only dream of.”
—Washington Post

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Help me in the comments to get this guide better and more complete and share it to your friends!

Heyya (sorry for my weird english I'm french) !
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BEST APPS SURVEYS :

Huuuge casino and Billionaire casino

~20000-30000 coins for getting to level 200 (they offer different amount of coins sometimes, depends on the level required, consider taking the one mentioned right above on Tapjoy if you find it, you get parts of the rewards at level 50-70-100-150-200.
Time: some days or hours (depends on the offer and the luck)Many useful tips here: https://www.reddit.com/Swagbuckstutorials/comments/gswbx1/tips_for_huuuge_casino_slots/
Other tips :
-you can't loose all your chips until you get to level 30-40 [NEEDS TO BE VERIFIED]-at the beginning you can go full max bet-consider using the 3-4 first machines, they're giving good amounts of chips (I prefer using Huuuge diamonds wins (rare wins but high rewards) because the firsts levels you're completely rigged and then God of sky (less rare wins and decent rewards))
-you can use macros to close popups and to claim rewards it works-don't spam the machines for my experience you get less wins
-don't give up if you don't have any more money, just retry tomorrow and claim as many daily/ club rewards as possible. You have 30-60 days to complete this survey !
-use the advanced search to find diamond clubs and join them, you get a decent amount of coins on those clubs.

[NEW] MISTPLAY

~3000 coins to get profile level 3 found on Tapjoy
Time : 30-45 mins
Difficulty : Easy
If you don't receive your coins after doing the survey it's a bug on this one it's okay, wait 24hrs and send a ticket to the support of Tapjoy with a screen showing that you got to lvl 3, I got credited less than 24hrs later ^^
Tips:
-when they ask you which games do you like/ play (i don't remember exactly sorry) just click on all games, you'll get more choice
-focus on the xp, look for the two best ones and try to hit on both lvl 3-4 (different level than the profile one, this way you're level 3 (or almost, you just take the third best game and get this one to lvl 2 to get profile lvl 3)

Pop slots

~5000 coins to get to level 27 but some redditors said that you get a different survey (25$ to level 28) [NEEDS TO BE VERIFIED]. You get the full amount of coins only when you complete the survey.
Time: 1-2 days
Tips:I found another reddit tutorial for this [NEED TO BE VERIFIED]https://www.reddit.com/Swagbuckstutorials/comments/gstr4s/pop_slots_tutorial/
Other tips:
-you can go full afk with this one + macro for more speed

Words with friends 2

(only seen on ironsource), ~500 or 1400 coins if you complete 25 words against an opponent, really easy if you know how to play, if not just find a quick guide on YouTube (trust me it's so easy)
Time: 1-2 hours max (btw don't stress if you didn't get your coins right after, I got them 3 days later)
Tips:
-No matter winning or loosing the game, just make 25 words-Make a private game with another account and play vs yourself [NEEDS TO BE VERIFIED]
-Use less letters and try to make the most words per round-If you feel that it's the right game, use all you addons.
-If you play vs a random and you're winning, always try to loose. Your opponent will more likely stay on the game and you get your points ez.
-You can use scrabble cheats if you're lazy to think just search on Google

Neverland Casino [WORK IN PROGRESS]

(actually finding a good survey and finishing it)
Still a nice guide here : https://www.reddit.com/Swagbuckstutorials/comments/hs91u8/neverland_casino_game_guide_crosspost_from/
btw I'll think I'll use a lot of those Swagbucks tutorials, they're great.

Coin Dozer

~1800 coins to get level 25.
Difficulty : So easy
Only tip : change your clock time to gain coin just like you play it everyday, ez survey.

Coin Master

~3000 coins to get to the 4 village.
Time & Difficulty : Okay, few days (you just need to go on the app 1 or 2 times per day for some mins)
Tips:
-Connect with Facebook to boost the beginning if you want.
-If you're linked with facebook, loop up for free coins website that gives coupons for the game ( http://conseilsjeux.com/coin-master-spins-et-coins-gratuits/ ) (french site but first links should work and gives out a bit of coins in the game if you're logged in to facebook)
-Don't waste time on it, give it some mins, spin & upgrade and then quit, that's it.

Slotomania

~10000 coins to get lvl 100 (found on fyber)
Time : 1-2 days
Difficulty : ez as fck
Tips :
-You can easily afk
-Connect to Facebook and use this site : https://www.peoplesgamezgiftexchange.com/slotomania-free-coins/gifts to get tons of free coins ;)

Appkarma

~500 or 1000 depends on survey platform, get to 700 coins on it.
Time : 2 hours
Difficulty : Easy
Tips:
-Claim all things that's possible to claim, you're already at +400 coins by doing nothing.
[UPDATE] You have two methods to farm :
1st one, spamming ads for 1 coin until you can't. After that just do a cheap mission like launch and install the app, and then spamming ads again (you can make a macro for this).
[NEW] 2nd one, go to playtime rewards, allow the app and then play Coin master (avoid this game if you're already doing the coin master survey, just do another app), idk if afk while the game is opened works, I suggest you to interact every 1 or 2 minutes [NEEDS TO BE VERIFIED].
The 2nd option is faster, but not available for everyone !

[EXTERNAL TIPS]

-Bluestacks works and you don't get banned using this (best option if you don't have a phone) (a friend tried and still use it)
-DON'T USE VPN ! You get banned really fast if you use a vpn to get better surveys
-Be kind with the support ! They have a hard work with all those kiddos who wants a knife without doing anything. Shoutout to Braincell! This active chat moderator, you can ask him anything he'll respond, he's the best x)
-Avoid those weird ~50 coins surveys that tells you to install a shitty app and launch it, this apps are always the same (shitty game always repetitive and many ads) you don't get any rewards from these and I found these apps creepy.. [NEEDS TO BE VERIF.. nah i'm joking xD

[WITHDRAW] The best part x)

[Be careful and check market prices! Sometimes you can overpay a lot]
-Don't worry you get the trade offer shortly after buying be sure to fill out your trade url before.
-If you trigger their anti-fraud system and they tell you to contact them, don't worry just contact them they have a really nice support (they usually respond in less than 24h) it happens to me and after that I could finally withdraw :p
MONEY SYSTEM: 1000 coins ~~ 0.80€ (if you pay attention, you overpay everywhere, they make a decent marge of money, skins are the ones that you'll overpay less)

[Proof and credits]

https://imgur.com/a/R3EKPTR my recent winnings (I already got some skins before but it was some years ago) and I currently have 7000 coins at the time I'm making this guide.
~~Update : withdrawed and now i made 2000 :)Update 2 : I'M AT 18000 NOW OMG~~
I'm at 31000 now, looking for a ft ak neon rider ;)
https://www.reddit.com/FreeCSGOSkins/comments/hsfszl/thanks_to_unefreexyt_i_got_my_first_skins_in_csgo/ ;)
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/546656661482504192/735516698723090442/unknown.png A friend got bo2 by doing huge casino and billionaire only
Thanks for reading ! Help me in the comments to complete this guide and share it, use my affiliate "nefreex" it's really really appreciated :))
Imma go to sleep, tomorrow I'll add more surveys and read your comments. Good luck everyone !
Update: New surveys and making it more readable ;)
Update 26/07 : Updated Slotomania, I'm currently making a hard survey which can give me 27000 coins so Ima tryhard it x)
Update 24/08 : Added Mistplay, updated my coins. Please share the tutorial guys !

I took a job as Doctor Wong’s assistant and he had 6 weird rules (Part 3)

D100 floors for the magical tower that just appeared

It can be puzzles, combat, a rolplaying scene... But THEY NEED TO HAVE A CONDITION TO PASS TO THE NEXT FLOOR

It's a tavern perfectly seted up for some quick dates, in order to continue o the next floor the PCs need to find the love of their life.
It's just a trapdoor on the ceiling, but it's really far away from the floor, around 5 meters
It's a giant armadillo they need to defeat, but he refuses to fight and is made a ball so they can't attack him, they need to convince him into combat. If he surrenders it still counts as a victory.
A magic tic tac toe that makes Xs appear where it's touched and places Os where it needs in order to play with a perfect strategy, you can use the Google tic tac toe in impossible mode. In order to continue they need to win either by pressing two tiles at the same time (the board won't make his move until it's released) or by pressing a tile already occupied by an O
It's a TV quizz show called Know your monsters, the host is a humanoid bee and when asked any questions the correct answer will be B. Their opponents are a group of humanoid snakes that will always answer C (sssssssce) they only need to answer one question correctly to win since their oponents will always be wrong. You can ask random things from the monsters manual but preferably not statistics but colors of things or height, just to avoid meta.
Remember that game, "the floor is lava"? The floor is not lava -- the heat and toxic fumes would make the game impossible to play -- but a black pudding. There are several "islands" throughout the room -- a slowing dissolving wooden chest, a stone statue of a historic figure, a suit of pitted plate armor, the corpse inside sizzling and smoking -- at various distances that the players can jump to in order to reach the exit. (Or they can just boldly wade through, damage and corrosion be damned!) Each "island" poses its own challenges in terms of footing, length of time it can be stood on, how much weight it can support, and so on. Oh, and remember a black pudding can punch you with its pseudopod.
The BDP: You open the door to find a rather plain waiting area where various monsters and surprisingly enough adventurers are waiting in line. Out of the 12 teller windows only 3 are active at any given time and are manned by mindless zombies. On a successful dungeoneering check will gove the realization that the adventurers have entered the Bureau for Dungeon Placement. A sign in abyssal tells the adventurers what line they must enter and what forms they need to fill out but not in what order and may have to reenter the line upon failure to be in the right line with the right paperwork. A line takes 1d4 hours to get to the front. All monsters and npc adventurers start off with a hostile attitude towards the adventurers of they try to speed things up and cut to the front. Once everything has been properly filled/signed/stamped the adventurers are shown to the door that will lead them to the next floor.
A sphynx who wants the answer to a riddle, but can't remember the riddle. Asks the party for a good riddle to stump the next group of adventurers with and only let's them pass if they come up with a really good one. A few levels later, you encounter a troll who demands you answer his riddle. He's giddy about how hard the riddle is, and taunts you with the impossibility of it, and how you'll never ever get it right. He says if you get the riddle wrong, he gets to eat one of you, and demands you pick out the person that he gets to eat ahead of time. And then you pick out that person, and he says, no, not that one, I don't like the look of that one -- too fat/skinny/ugly/whatever, no, I want that one, and he picks out a different person, and haggles endlessly, until finally you reach a deal. And then at last he tells you the riddle, which is the riddle you told to the sphinx a few floors ago. Of course you know the answer. He flies into a rage and attacks you.
A movie theater with a really bad movie playing. The PCs have to make saving throws in order to resist the psychic damage of the most horrible plot the DM can come up with (think of things like Santa going to high school or Romeo and Juliet but it’s told by a ghetto version of Tybalt). When the room is searched there is no exit, but once the movie is finished the lights will come on and a very obvious exit will appear.
A waiting room filled with other adventurers on various different quests. There’s a ticker by the door with a double digit number on it and a small wheel of tickets with numbers on them. The players take a short rest before their numbers are shown and they can go through the door.
Several monsters or previous enemies just sitting at various tables playing different casino games. To get to the next floor each of the party members needs to win one game each. When they do they will be given a key shaped like a casino chip which they can use to open the door to the next floor. And remember, the baddies play for bets.
A library labyrinth. When the PCs enter they will see a very lost wizarding college student. They will ask the PCs to help them find a book that they think will help them get to the next floor. Upon finding the book it will act as a lever opening a secret passage. The student, however, will ignore the hidden door and rip the book off the shelf breaking something that a poor gnome worked very hard on. He will take the book with the wires still attached and head back into the Labyrinth thanking the party.
It's goats! The entire floor is a pastoral meadow full of goats. Why are there so many goats? You are unsure but they seem peaceful.
It's a giant talking head calling itself Olmec, it challenges you to run through a darkly lit five story maze to try to find an idol. Masked men will jump out and attack you as you search for the idol.
At the center of this room is an elegant fountain, an inscription on it claims that whoever bathes in the fountain will be as ageless and strong as a mountain. Any part of the body that actually touches the water will turn to stone. Warning: Drinking the water will kill you. The stairs are just behind it, its just to see if they are dumb enough to use the fountain.
It's a goblinoid street festival! Jolly goblin and bugbear merchants attempt to hawk all manner of strange festival foods! From honeyed mushrooms to fried rat skewers, horse jerky and moss based salads. Various events can occur, like: (1)a lost child that needs to find his mother, (2)a guard trying to stop some thieves from pickpocketing, (3)a store owner that needs a way to publicitate his shop, (4) a circus artists whose asisstant, a parrot that has been shapeshifted to a human, is missing and they need to find it by looking for someone that only repeats what they hear or acts socially awkward. The first can lead them to kenkus. If the group is splitted they can end up trying to publicitate enemisted shops, trying to help both the pickpocketers and the guard, helping both the mother and the kid... But you can come up with your own ideas for events and when you are done you can make them find a key or the door for the next floor to appear.
The Ball Pit - The Room is filled with colorful little hollow balls, each the size of softball. It is neck deep on a tall human (at least six feet deep). Somewhere in the pool of spheres is a trigger or switch that will lower a rope from the ceiling and the exit there. There is an antimagic field near the ceiling that cancels magical attempts to reach it, and the walls on all sides are slick as wet ice and impossible to climb. On the plus side, any fall drops you safely into the ball pit.
The shooting gallery from Zelda Ocarina of Time. Gotta play to win, gotta win to escape. (At least one player from the part must hit all the targets, DM sets a series of increasingly difficult attack rolls )
An awkward dinner party with the villain’s parents, who keep apologizing for what they’ve done. Players who can successfully change the subject of the conversation escape.
A huge room filled with desks, hundreds of people sitting nervously. Yes, it’s your calculus final, and none of you have studied. At least one player must pass a math quiz to escape .
David S. Pumpkins https://youtu.be/rS00xWnqwvI, when he finishes dancing and asks for questions he banishes, he will now appear every d4+1 floors, rolling again everytime he appears to make it unpredictable. You can be creative with the scenarios he appears in, like in a riddle in which one of the skeletons always lies and the other tells the truth and there are 2 doors, the one the skeletons act as if was the door with the stairway contains David S. Pumpkins or similar scenarios to surprise your players
Nothing but chickens. The whole floor is a well-appointed coop with straw on the floor (that magically refreshes twice a day), bins for water and food, lots of little hutches for roosting. Every day at noon, a swarm of insects materializes, and the chickens go apeshit hunting them down. In order to pass to the next level of the tower, the characters must find the golden egg that one of the chickens has laid. There is a cup to fit it in the very center of the floor, but no other indication of what to do. Any non-golden egg placed in the cup explodes and does 6d8 force damage to anyone within 20 feet (DC 15 DEX for half). This explosion leaves the chickens unharmed.
March in Minnesota - The air is crisp, clean, and heading to warmth. A near by window lets in light that is warm and inviting. On the far side of the room is a door out. It is roughly 300 feet across with a rough and uneven floor, but not s much as to make walking difficult. Maybe you will stub a toe, but that's the worst danger. As soon as the PCs take a single step in, snow plummets from the sky, burying everything in a depth of snow that varies per ten foot square from one inch to approximately three hundred inches (3d100 - 2). Situated near the door are exactly enough snow shovels for each party member. There is also a sign that states "All Walkways must be clear or fines levied." A diagram shows a wide (20 foot x 100 foot path) that stretches from one wall to the next path labelled Driveway and a smaller path stretching from door to door five feet wide and 300 feet long. Failure to try and open the door without clearing the snow form the pathways results in a arctic cold blast that deals cold damage to the entire party. Once the pathways are clear, the door unlocks. Room Notes: The Pathway is in a vague "T" shape, with the driveway path ending randomly in a snowbank that may or may not have been randomly plowed up by a jack ass snow plow man. Every Hour there is a 5% chance for more snow to fall. This snow will fall on each square, especially those recently shoveled. I would estimate that for a fit shoveler about 4–5 tons an hour is about right. For a non fit shoveler I would expect 2–3 tons per hour. 20x20x6 block of snow weighs roughly one ton.
A trophy room, filled with various awards, though your party gets nervous when they see their own names on empty plaques meant for mounting animal heads. DC 18 investigation check reveals a trap door lever- it’s an elk antler you have to turn just right.
the nicest bathroom anyone has ever seen, with the friendliest and most stylish bathroom attendant you’ve ever met. With a uniform that neatly pressed and a smile that warm and accommodating you almost can ignore the fact that it’s a fiend. The last toilet stall conceals an escape tunnel- players flush themselves like Harry Potter OR fight the fiend to escape.
A large cratered and barren field a few hundred feet across with a line of trenches on either side. The trenches stretch as far as the eye can see in either direction, and both are filled with strangely dressed soldiers speaking unfamiliar languages that are engaged in firing strange weapons at each other. The party emerges in one of the trenches, and peering over the top of their trench over at the other can plainly see the exit door standing behind the other trench.
A wall has Draconic text on it. Shouting loudly at them in draconic will cause them to glow, revealing the exit in the process. Disturbing the runes in any other way summons a dragon of appropriate level, which is fiercely aggressive towards the party regardless of normal alignment. Upon it's defeat, the exit it revealed.
The door to this floor simply leads to another door, and another, and another. An infinite demiplane of two-way hallways of doors stretches out from it. A third-person omniscient narrator comments on the party' s actions, occasionally dropping vague hints at the solution but primarily to make fun of the players. The solution is to keep more than 10 doors open; they close automatically, but can be propped open or broken. This many hallways revealed at once destabilizes the apparently low-level demiplane, causing the next opened door to lead to the next floor. The more doors that are open, the more odd and stilted the narrator sounds.
On this floor, mirrors make up the walls and ceiling. There is no visible exit door, apart from the one that was used to enter the room. Attempting to break a mirror fails, and causes psychic damage equal to the damage that the player would have dealt to the mirror. A successful DC15 perception check reveals that the mirrors are very slightly delayed from what they are reflecting, similar to a low-quality camera. The solution is to damage a party member without damaging the mirror; the mirror will be shattered, and the party member that was damaged will disappear from all mirrors in the room. After all the party members disappear from the mirrors, the mirror image of the door that was uses to enter the room becomes a door of it's own, which leads to the next floor.
A room where there is some texts on the wall in a language that none of the party understands. This room is protected by divination magic as if there is a 5th level counter spell which is displayed as a flash of blue light. this can be dispelled with a successful DC 19 dispel magic or a fifth level spell slot. There is also a table with 5 or so syringes on it. If one of the players is punctured by it by any means they must make a DC 25 con save or suffer the effects. Which are that you learn one language and are able to read, write and speak it but loses all other languages in the process. After 1 minute they will need to take another con save DC 15 if successful nothing happens and don’t need to roll anymore saves. If failed then their bones start to turn to liquid making it hard to perform gestures and you attack at disadvantage. After another minute they will need to perform another DC 14 con save if successful then nothing happens on a fail there legs start to turn into liquid your movement speed is halved and you have disadvantage on dex saves. Another minute goes by and another con save DC 14 if successful nothing happens if failed their entire body turns into goop giving them 10ft move speed and a 10ft climb speed they can fit though gaps 1 inch in size, they cannot use somatic components, and they are now classified as an ooze. This can be entirely cured by a greater restoration spell but will be put back one level by a lesser restoration spell. But if it is removed entirely the person forgets that language entirely and everything they have read with it. One of the syringes gives you the language you need and all they need to do is say the text on the wall which can be whatever you want. After someone says it all the effects from the syringes go away and a door opens letting you continue.
A room containing a deep blue slime, capable of communication (somehow), that demands that the PCs play a game of some kind before continuing. Cards, dice, or on the mysterious screen devices in the room - doesn't matter, they know them all. (the roll involved depends on the game and the playstyle - bluffing requires charisma, strategy games require wisdom, and so on.) If the PCs lose the game, the slime gets very smug about it and proclaims them to be brainless newbies. Mentioning the irony of it calling someone brainless will get him angry. If the PCs win the game, the slime gets very angry about it and proclaims them to be cheating scrubs and demands a rematch. The slime is very very easily provoked into arguing for hours about the best strategy for any game in particular (it calls it 'the meta') and takes them very, very seriously. If at any point the argument of the PCs becomes something along the lines of "It's just a game", regardless of the context, the slime metaphorically explodes in anger, and then shortly thereafter literally explodes with anger. This allows the PCs to continue. Alternatively, after a full 3 hours of arguing with the PCs about The Meta, (during which a lot of arguments will be repeats of previous ones, regardless of what the PCs say) the slime will proclaim the PCs to be so completely trash that they're not even worth talking to and playing with, and demanding that they leave. (not in those exact words, most likely!) This will also allow the PCs to leave. (Added side note: Any PC brave or foolish enough to taste test the blue slime - pre or post explosion - will find that it tastes oddly sweet, and makes the PC in question feel energized... at least for an hour, and then they feel just a bit sleepy for an hour afterwards. If it's tasted pre-explosion, the slime may be slightly perturbed, but will continue with the above actions regardless unless repeatedly ingested, at which point it will skip to demanding the players leave - after all, trying to eat someone up while they're arguing with you is just plain rude.)
A very large room that appears to be hosting a concert of a band of orcs (or suitable equivalent) playing extremely loud rock ballads, EDM music, and other such, regardless of the standard period music of the adventure. The difficulty isn't in finding the exit - it's plainly marked at the other side of the room - but in getting to it, pushing through a throng of drunk and rowdy concert goers while dealing with music so loud that you can feel it modifying your heartbeat through shear force. It's not deafening, though... more's the pity (?).
A room containing one incredibly sweet looking individual (your choice of race, gender and so on - pick whatever your table would find most cute.) at an artist's table, with a door to the next floor on the other side. The individual turns out to be an artist, and would love to show you one of their sketchbooks - you don't have to look through it at all, simply say you're busy and move on, but they'll be very disheartened if you don't. If the PCs do look through, they find that the art is very very well drawn - but also that subject matter both impressively eclectic, and incredibly, ah... 'candid', if you catch my meaning. (It's up to you to decide which meaning would be most appropriate to your table. tread cautiously, and keep it funny!) It's not as if the drawings will cause madness akin to Cthulhu or anything, thankfully, but likely they wouldn't expect these kind of drawings from someone this cute. A compliment of their art will make the individual very very happy, but again, isn't necessary to pass through.
A room covered in very obvious tile switches on the floor, with a sign reading "STEP TWO STEP TWO.", and faint dance music playing (in 2/4 time, importantly). The tiles are labeled with numbers 1 to 9, in a seemingly random order, though there is a path of 2s leading to the door. Stepping on the tiles at random leads to the tiles seemingly randomly flinging the PCs back to the entrance - it makes them hit the wall, but thankfully the wall is cushioned so as not to harm them. The trick is to step onto the tiles in time with the beat - the actual tiles stepped on doesn't matter, it's simply the timing. If the PCs decide to make their steps into funky dance moves, the room gives them a little extra bonus when they hit the exit door - namely, a well made outfit tailored just right for the PC in question, and perfectly appropriate for dancing in. (This outfit may end up modified slightly in style depending on the dance moves in particular used - in particular, performing an actual two step will garner a masterfully crafted outfit of appropriate style (What the appropriate style is depends, of course, on the kind of two step performed - there's more then one! Look it up!) that's suitable for enchantments.)
A room with a sign in the middle reading 'REST STOP', with a set of lovely cushioned seats (or just cushions, if you prefer), one for each party member, set around a table with some well made jam and bread, alongside a pot of tea - just enough for one cup per member. If they have any pets or animal-like followers, there's also some appropriate food and drink for them. If the party doesn't like tea, or jam and bread, replace it with something they'd prefer. The door to the next floor is available at any point in time - The room itself is perfectly safe to take a short rest in, although perhaps a bit too small for people to lie down and sleep in without having to lie on top of one another. There's nothing particularly special about the food and drink presented, but it is quite well made and is enough to satisfy whatever hunger might be present, if any.
An empty room with an ordinary locked door. The door can't be damaged and the lock can't be picked. The door is unlocked the second time an individual touches it.
The party enter into a room only lit by a singular spotlight on an empty space in the middle of the room (this might freak the party out on its own). Once the party moves further into the room (be it into the spotlight or not) more light will turn on, revealing 4-5 wealthy looking nobles, businessmen or merchants. In front of the prior lit area is now a pedestal with a item on top. One of the men will say something along the lines of "Well, well, well... What do you bring into.... The Lions Den! What spectacular item do you think is worthy of our investment?" It's like the program Shark Tank, the party has to convince one of the merchants/nobles to buy their product. The problem is the product is something entirely useless; a small block of wood, a wet cloth, a tin cup with lots of dents. The merchants might take everything very serious and with a stone expression, they might take it as an insult that the party tries to pitch this worthless junk to them. Once the party convinces anyone of the merchants to invest in their product, a door will open behind that person.
The party walk into a tavern. It's almost full, but there's a table or two with enough room for the party. In one end a stage is setup and what seems like a farmer is trying a few jokes - it's open mic night! The party, either all of them or just one person, needs to take to the stage and deliver a good joke. Be it a short one liner or a more elaborate story, they have to get a laugh out of the audience, which might prove a bit rough. Then a door will open at the other end of the room. If the party manages to get you, the DM, to actually laugh, award them with something - the patrons might toss a few gold coins, they might have a shop in town and offer the party a discount next time they stop by.
It's a quite large room, or a forest clearing, whatever you feel like. On one side of the room is a large pile of huge stones, weirdly rectangular, each stone being approximately 4m x 2,1m x 1m and weighing about 20 tonnes. On the other side is a smaller, but still human-height stone with some Sylvan inscriptions. If they don't know Sylvan, a successful investigation/intelligence roll will let them know it's a set of instructions. On the smaller stone is also a somewhat washed out 'picture' depicting the structure they need to build. Yep - it's the Stonehenge, and they need to build it The hard part should not be figuring this out, but actually moving these heavy rocks - unless they have a Bear Totem Goliath Barbarian with 24 STR or something, they can't really move the stones weighing 20 tonnes. Maybe the rogue got some rope and pullies, maybe they got a 10 foot pole to use as a leverage, maybe the mage got some useful spell - using fireball to explode the stones up (they are either hardy enough or indestructible), or of they have no idea, a set of good strength rolls should be enough. Once they've set it up, a druid will come and thank them for their service, and show them the way onwards.
The door to the room has "Little Shop of Horticulture" written on it. When the party walks inside they see a massive store with all kinds of plants. In the center of the room is a giant Venus flytrap that keeps repeating "FEED ME SEYMOUR" The shopkeeper is a dick and won't let them leave without buying one of the most expensive items in the store, but he also has a name tag that says Seymour. If he's feed to the fly trap the party can leave.
A goblin's birthday party. In the center of this room is a small crudely made birthday cake sitting atop it a table. 1d4+1 goblins surround it, one of which is wearing a poorly made construction paper party hat. Along one edge of the wall is a table containing gifts (things from the trinket list) from each goblin in the room. Across the room is a door to the next floor. The goblins will want the players to stay and celebrate with them and be sad if they leave.
The room is filled with 100 cats, and one of the cats is speaking common to the other cats, gossiping about the adventurers that have arrived on the floor, maybe insulting them a little. The common speaking cat mentions they know where the key to the door to the next floor is but would never tell a bunch of idiots like this group. Common speaking cat doesn't know they are speaking common, thinks they are speaking cat. It is difficult to tell which cat is speaking common since they all move their mouths the same way and are constantly moving. Cat's can be interrogated via speak with animals, to provide advice as to what the common speaking cat sounds like. Perhaps threatening to start killing cats to blackmail the common speaking cat could work as well. If group suggests starting to intimidate random cats, have them roll D100 and choose a random number, if that number happens to be rolled, then they grabbed the correct cat. Key is adhered to the common speaking cats furry belly and can be inserted into the door which has stairs leading to the floor above.

Summer 2019 funny dialogues compilation (Part 1)

Hi all :) In these posts I’ll be sharing some of the fun bits of dialogues from the Swimsuit Swordsmasters summer event. They are mostly short and fun exchanges between the characters that you can enjoy reading along with the summaries of the chapters that you can find down here.
Here are the summaries of the Las Vegas summer event from last year, done by various good souls. With the exception of the translations by pplovesk and shinyklefkey , most of these were summarized by Itqan Madani on their Facebook. They used to be posted on reddit by kakarot12310 but since the posts have been removed for some reason I'll link directly to Itqan Madani instead.
Main chapter summary part 1
Main chapter summary part 2
Main chapter summary part 3
Main chapter summary part 4
Main chapter summary part 5
Main chapter summary part 6
Main chapter summary part 7
Main chapter summary part 8
Main chapter summary part 9, and part 10. Alternative summary with additional tidbits by pplovesk.
Main chapter summary part 11 alternative summary with additional translation of the final boss’ dialogues and fun tidbits by pplovesk.
Extra: Drive in Las Vegas
Extra: Fun Jet Tennen Rishin-ryū
Extra: Losers’ Lullaby
Extra: Gambling Saint
Extra: Playing With The Weather (featuring QSH and Iskandar) by shinyklefkey.
The new Chaldea Director's first swimsuit event:
Goldolf: “I heard you need permission for leyshift so I came to see. What exactly is this? Swimsuit? Swordsmasters? Don’t do pranks more than twice a month. Or has the Japanese heat wave got to you that badly? Ah well, I do understand the wish for a summer vacation. A commander’s job is to ensure the subordinates’ welfare. No benefits, no labor, right? However, however, you see...”
“AREN’T WE! IN AN EMERGENCY! SITUATION! RIGHT NOW!? Hasn’t the surface been wiped blank! Where are you gonna find a beach, let alone walking around in swimsuits?! Do you understand!? We ain’t gonna have a summer of our dream where we mess around in some five star resort, are we!”
Gudao: “Got it.”
Gol: “LIKE HELL YOU DID. YOU GOT NOTHING! Can’t have Swimsuit Swordsmasters if you don’t leyshift to America, how the hell am I supposed to swallow that ludicrousness!? I’m not swallowing that! You’re lucky I haven’t questioned your sanity!”
Vinci: “Now now commander, calm down. There there~”
Gol: “Telling me to calm down is one thing but stop patting my belly already...”
Vinci: “C’mon, haven’t things been like that always? As long as there is a wish to a Holy Grail-equivalent of magical resource, a singularity can emerge. It juuuust happens to be Swimsuit Swordsmasters in America this time. What’s so strange about that?
Gol: “...
... hey, am I that guy? Am I the crazy one here?”
Holmes: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Well then Commander, you will grant permission, won’t you?”
Gol: “Why can you smile with such a straight face... SCARY! YOUR SMILE IS SCARING ME!”
Upon arriving at Las Vegas:
Siegfried: “This city is false. Everything here is formed from the battle of the Swordsmasters. This city is not unlike a battlefield itself. I feel the call of battle rousing my blood. It’s not within myself, but this Heroic Outfit is speaking to me”
Hoku: “(this guy is so cool! I wanna imitate him...) y-yeah, I also feel excited. It’s not me. It’s the swords speaking to me.”
Sieg: “I see, you too are burdened by the whispers of the swords. Must be painful.”
Hoku: “(No good, too cool! I might be taken away if I let my guard down! No, I can’t let this get to me yet! I still need to become the best swimsuit swordsmaster! I’ll defeat anyone, ancestors, please watch over me!)”
Mashu: “why is she all silent now...”
Sieg: “she’s facing her destiny. Let us treat her gently.”
Mashu: “r-right.” Gudao: “destiny...”
Sieg: “that’s right, destiny.” Hoku: (tremble furiously!)
Sieg: I understand. Her trembling stance is what the orientals call the battle trance! Hoku: (this man, how much more is he going to make me shaken!?)
Hoku: Hehe. (playing cool) Sieg: What a fearless smile. As expected, donning four swords is naught a matter to you.
Hoku: (blush more furiously!) Sieg: Oh, she’s in a battle trance again...
“The sunlight, the tan, the wet skin, the cute little boys! Summer is the best!!!”
(Musashi, being an open onee-san, 2019)
Apparently Musashi has been trekking on foot half a day from Grand Canyon to Las Vegas. “No udon, no burger, just walk and walk and walk...” And then she is ashamed to show up in front of us (because event spoiler blah blah blah) so...
“H A I, K O N I C H I W A, tourists-S A N! I’m just a regular American Heroic Spirit D E S U!”
Sieg: “you’re American...?” Musashi?: “Y E ~ S U! Check out this W E S T E R N bikini, perfect as a cowboy gunman right? K A T A N A & P I S T O L double wielding! O H Y E A A A!”
Guda:
Option 1: nope nope nope nope nope nope
Option 2: nope nope nope nope nope nope
And this little gem:
Gudao: A bunny suit? / Umm, aren’t you supposed to be a Swimsuit Swordsmaster too?
Bunny king: I am Swimsuit Lion King. The great owner of the Casino Camelot. There is no mistake. Why because, my suit... is water resistant.

HIMEJI SURVIVAL CASINO

Anne and Mary scene where Kotaro is able to record their battle tactics (that you definitely want to read):
Gang member: wheeze… wheeze… wheeze Finally caught you now. Damn cheeky girl, took me ages to track you down! (perverted laughs) But it was worth it hehehee…
Anne: Kyaa~ Don’t~ (monotone) What kinds of depravity would you subject me to?
Gang member: What do you mean, what kinds… Hiihiihii, don’t play dumb!
Samurai: (menacing giggles) Kukuku… It goes without saying… (WHIPS OUT KIARA P0RN!) We’ll have you read out loud this phantasmal book “Compilation of the Eiten School’s Dharma of Sensations!”
Anne: (dumbfounded)
Samurai: Of course, you have to read this in a tsundere-like voice that hides the inner ZUKKON LOVE of an osananajimi love interest, understand!
Anne: (What the heck is ZUKKON) (TL: “zukkon” means “madly in love”)
Anon Warrior: Ah, then I would like to request an onee-san voice pleeze. Lemme explain, you see, I recently became a working adult, and everyday feels like a constant grind full of social responsibilities… So-how-about-a-scenario-where-I’m-a-high-schooler-who-lives-alone-for-some-reason,-then-this-onee-san-would-cling-to-me-and-rant-with-beer-in-her-hand:-“Working-life-sucks~-But-how-can-a-kid-like-you-understand~”-But-when-I-protest:-“Don’t-treat-me-like-a-child!”-she-would-go-ara-ara-fufufu~-then-turn-towards-me-with-a-charming-smile-no-bratty-high-school-chick-could-pull-off-and-whisper-playfully-into-my-ear:-“Want-me-to-treat-you-like-an-adult-then? ♡”-pretty-please!
Gang member: You turn into a real motormouth as soon as people ask you about your delusions…
Samurai: My bad. Pretend you didn’t hear anything just now.
Mary: (dash into the scene!) Seriously! You got me lost in that lengthy rambling too!
Mob enemies: Wut!? (promptly get ambushed)
Anne: Umm lemme see lemme see… “Indeed. Let us head to the temple.”
Mary: Please don’t read that book for the love of God.
Gang member: W-Wait… Why do you guys have more members…?
Mary: I act as Anne’s equipment. So we’re two people, but still one Servant. Yaaaay. (cute grin)
Gang member & Samurai: T-That’s cheating… (drop dead)
Anon Warrior: …for the new lady who just appeared… a scenario where an osananajimi that I treated like an imouto who used to hang out with me plea… (dead)
Mary: You wouldn’t stop until you die!? (blush) And about that request, why does it have to be an imouto… I’ll do just fine as an onee-san too!
Anon Warrior: (crawl up from his grave with a shit-eating grin)
Mary: One express ticket to hell for you! (kick him away)
After Kotoro’s recording stops, Gudao has an option to respond: “Nevermind their tactics, can I know who that cultured Anon Warrior is?”
Later, to trick Anne and Mary using their own tactic, Gudao also disguises himself as equipment to act as baits for the 2 thirsty pirate onee-san.
Mashu: Are you going to be okay, Master…
Gudao: Please pick up my bones after they finish me.
mUSAshi: You’ll be fiiiiine. Neither meat nor bones will go anywhere!
Execution stage:
Mary: …h-huh? Master! What are you doing here?
Gudao: I’m lost…
Mary: Geez, you’re hopeless. Wait, if you’re here then you’re also a player right? …huh, equipment? I see, just like me… (blush) Yeah that makes sense. If I fit, then Master should also fit… But… playing the role of equipment… alone all by yourself…
Mary: Hmmm~ (scoot closer) Hmmm, mmm hmmm~ (scoot much closer)
Anne: (barge in) Hey, I found you!
Mary: (startle!) Yikes, Anne!
Anne: Hmph! It’s unfair to steal a move on Master in secret.
Mary: I’m not doing anything like that. To begin with, aren’t you supposed to be our lookout?
Anne: Teehee~ :D I heard Master was in the bamboos, so I just acted on my own without thinking.
Mary: Aww, what am I going to do with you :D Welp, all the more fun with just the 3 of us here!
Anne: I know right ♪
Anne: (thirsty mode ON) Let’s. Get. It. On. Then ♡ Master, you’re supposed to be equipment, right? In other words, it’s natural to treat you like our belongings, right? Ah. Non non. Of course we won’t go rough on you. We’ll juuuuust gently…
Mary: (invade personal space) Hug you…
Anne: (invade personal space) And press our cheeks on yours…
Mary: (dominate personal space) And do things we normally can’t do with you…
Anne: (dominate personal space) Do them lots and lots and lots ♡
Mary: Now, keep your eyes closed okay, Master? ♡
Gudao: Guys… look…
The girls: ?
Gudao: Sorry.
And then of course you gotta beat them up cuz god forbid we ever get laid.
MechaEli: (landing down) I have confirmed the tournament announcement. So Mary and Anne have been defeated, right?
Gudao: Since when can you fly!?
MechaEli: Since forever. This skill was installed as soon as I was manufactured. This is better than summoning the sea with some Noble Phantasm right?
(Getting flashback of dolphin railgun: Jeanne: “Yaaay~ I’m gonna filled the world with dolphins! :D” Reese: “DO PHI PHI PHI PHI PHI PHIN!” – translation: incredibly foul-mouthed dolphinspeak that mustn’t be transcribed)
Gudao: ...Yeah, you got a point.

PHARAOH CASINO

(For this part I just wanna comment that Schez takes up the role of the security chief of Pharaoh Casino to help Nito who is currently being possessed by Medjed-sama. Brown girl finally grew a spine for her friend 😭)
Gucchan just came out of a date with Xiang from the casino when Carmilla suddenly asks her to join Gudao’s band of phantom theives, so she just beats you up. But then we win instead so she’s like “fine fine what the hell do you want to talk me into”.
Carmi: “I know from my research, you lost a big sum in the casino just now right? The lover date just barely healed the salt. Don’t you want to get back at them? This heist will benefit you, because you see, what we’re after is the arrogance of a concept like casino itself.”
Gu: “...yeah, now that you mention it, what rubbish. Casino or whatever, rubbish. Why would I have to humiliate myself in puny humans’ rules for play pretend? Getting them back for making fun of me in front of Xiang-sama... very well, such detour may be fun” (cute fang grin)
Gudao: (Oops, paisen / She’s surprisingly...)
Hoku: Hey hey, wassup with this girl, she’s surprisingly easy to fool!
Mashu: No Hoku-san blurting that out is no good! Be flexible, Gu-san! Flexible!
Well, their plan to infiltrate the Casino is actually making Gu explode into a bloody mess to scare Schez off.
Planning stage:
Gu: “So what’s the big plan? As long as it’s not on the level of “No choice but to self-destruct right here!” that some purple-headed strategist’s been doing lately, I’m fine with anything.”
Carmi: “...”
Gu: “Say something! You’re pissing me off!”
Execution stage:
Gu: “excuse me, I feel ill...”
Schez: “oh no, this is not good ma’am! We must give you medical assist right away or else you might die...”
Gu: “...now that I look at it, this place is filled with nothing but white and slippery-looking guys (Medjeds). Wouldn’t it be more fitting to have strong intimidating guys around? This is too all-age for what I’m about to do.
Schez: ??
Gu: “I feel ill, ah really ill... Wait this is exactly what that strategist likes to do isn’t it! Hey what the hell I’m pissed!”
Carmi: (psst! Stick to the plan!)
Gu: “OH YEAH YEAH FINE I’M THE KIND OF WOMAN ONLY GOOD FOR THIS SORT OF THINGS RIGHT HUH?! EXPLODE RIGHT, I JUST GOTTA EXPLODE IS THAT IT?! Fine, here we go. [ETERNAL LAMENT!]”
(Splat! Blood rains everywhere)
Schez: I-I’m going to dieeeeee! Wait she dieeeeeessss??!
And then later when they bait Cleo out she’s all like what the hell is with all the ruckus and why the hell are the patrons screaming “meat...! meat...!”

SUITENGU CASINO

Assassin Creed: Lip edition #1:
Carmi: “QP farming is for plebs. I’m staying in the hotel for beauty treatment. Rather, why would you ask a phantom thief to do anything but to steal. I have no business with Sutengui. “There are no hidden treasures in Sutengui. Only the sound of cheering and empty holograms...” That’s what my Mistress Sensor has whispered to- (rocket punched, dead)
Lip: “Failed to detect a surprise attack from behind... is your sensor only good for detecting jewelry? Were you really an Assassin? That’s what you get for wearing a swimsuit not your age... I mean for turning into a Rider.”
Assassin Creed: Lip edition #2: Okkie: “GO GO GO! You’re dumb for running alone! No mercy for you, assault from 3 sides! Yep yep, survival games are the best! Sorry Maa-chan, I gotta stretch my limbs sometimes! To begin with, isn’t Sutengui like, that evil casino run by Lambda? There is definitely an evil aura well hidden there... even Hime can see darkness there... Kurohi (black Kiyohime? Third ascension?) said “it’s kinda scary” too... Ah well, today Carmi and Nero let me loose so I’m just gonna de-stress in the woods~! Ora ora, your back is wide open! You’re 10 years too early to join the battlefield beibii!”
Lip: “Same goes to you tho. Must be because your belly fat causes you to get slow.”
Okkie: “Whaa!? Whatcha mean, I took boxing class and went on a diet properly to prepare for summer you kno- (rocket punched, dead)
Lip: “You talk too much. If you’re aiming, keep your breath down and be quite. Were you really an Assassin? I don’t think you can join the cool Archer club with that much meat on your belly...”
Assassin Creed: Lip edition #3:
Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ... Lip:... Fuuma: ... Lip:...
Fuuma: ...excuse me. You’ve been following me for quite some time, anything you wanna say?
Lip: ... sigh. Assassin class is truly cunning. Noticing me tailing like that... I just wanted to put you down gently... (not sure if rocket punches are considered gentle 🤨) that would have been a hat-trick... could you please read the mood here...”
Fuuma: (...but man, that’s really some dress she’s wearing... I can’t look straight... sasuga Vegas... no calm down Koutaro, calm as still water... at times like this, lord Kintoki would keep his cool and look straight without fail...!) (pretty Kinbro would just go beet red too tho)
Fuuma: Sorry but I’m in a hurry so I can’t dawdle here. Maybe if there are taxis around...
Lip: Oh that won’t be necessary. I have class advantage against Assassin after all ★
Fuuma: A giant...!? (about to say “fist” but he ded)
After capturing our Servants, Lip leaves us a threat letter: “I have to wonder how you’d challenge Sutengui with such lame Servants. The “distiny” of annoying flies are to be squashed flat. I’ll be using the three I captured at the beachside.
PS: Splitting watermelons is fun.”
Then you find out she actually buries those three in the sand to play watermelon splitting with their heads…
Lip: At the moment due to some circumstances Melt has turned into a Lancer, so I would prefer that only Saber people would beat her to a pulp.
Fuuma: Umm, aren’t you guys sisters?
Carmi: What are you on about. This is what siblings are like.
Fuuma: :C (Aren’t family members supposed to get along!?)
Hoku: Saber class is fine right? Then no need to worry, I’ll take her on! Leave this to us. There is no need for you to concern yourself anymore.
Lip: No role for me to play anymore? Isn’t this kind of situation where you recruit me into your party! Right, Gudao?
Gudao: If we leave her alone, it might be dangerous... / Lip is definitely our trump card.
Lip: Rogue! Passionlip will do her best! Given enough time, I can turn anything into a cube. If push comes to shove, the whole casino can just go poof!
Okkie: Yep, she’s a monster. On our side or not the level of danger is the same, Maa-chan T__T
Announcer: Welcome to Sutengui. We’ll now perform belonging inspection. Please spare the time to cooperate with us.
Gudao: it’s dark... / security is strict...
Mashu: yeah... if we don’t hold hands in this darkness we might get separated...
Sieg: (boing~) Where are you Hokusai? Are you there? (boing~) What is this smooth and elastic material that the more you hold it the more your hand digs in... (boing~) the texture is so soft, if I have to say... don’t tell me this is... (boing~) the breast muscles...?
Hoku: Dummy, that’s Octodad, stop grabbing his head! You can stop holding onto my belt now!
After getting out of the dark security check, Siegfried has squid ink on his face...
Melt’s casino is pretty hardcore. It converts your EXP into slot tokens without asking and if you lose you’re basically EXP food for Melt. Looks like the day before Gudao gang gets to Sutengui, Blackbeard and Columbus gambled their EXP away and died.
Bart: Each coin here is worth 1 million QP. Instead of fraud, they just play big. Returns are big too. If you get a triple the slot machine will eject 10 coins, a jackpot 1000. Do you know what this means?
Hoky: Each coin a million... then 1000 would be like, 10 billion QP!?
Sieg: No, on the other hand... we could lose 1 million QP in exactly 3 seconds!?
Gudao: This woman makes 1 million QP a second...! / This man loses 1 million QP a second...!
Koutaro being too much of an good guy:
Fuuma: That Alterego (Protea) must originally be a kind hearted girl, she’s just been deceived by that evil factory manager. If we defeat that rider, there shouldn’t be a need to fight her anymore!
Columbus: ?? ???
After we kick Columbus’ ass:
Protea: uu~ mister factory manager was too noisy, that woke me up...~ but he already kicked the bucket...? He didn’t even seem like he put up a fight... but I’m glad everybody else is okay! ... so let’s p l a y a w h o l e l o t, o k a y? Even if I make a little mess, Melt will fix it for me!
Fuuma: Huh!? Shouldn’t she be a good girl at heart??
Gudao: To begin with why would you even have that kinda idea / (oh, right, he didn’t know she went nuts on the skate ring earlier)
Melt’s plan getting sabotaged and her losing her cool is funny xD
Melt: The day has finally come... In just an hour everything will be mine. Though some little things remain, everything must come to an end. A star is destined to retired as a star. A bird never fouls its nest before abandoning it. For a swan like me, this is the perfect way to end things.
...
Hehe, hahahahahahaha! Ah geez, this is awesome! Nothing beats how happy I’m feeling right now! The biggest nuisance BB is gone, no other annoying boss characters left either! Yay!
And then...
Announcer: Fire broke out at the factory. The manager has run away. Protea, scouted to be the giant kaiju has been put down. Cannot compress EXP points to Melt-sama. Recommend starting all over.
Melt: Hey Siri, come again? My brain couldn’t compute that just now.
Announce: Repeat. You lost everything. Please redo the whole thing.
Melt: .......that so. Well, what happened happened. No I’m cool, I’m perfectly cool. This is Gudao’s masterplan isn’t it. I expected no less. (menacing lip licking) But I still have my turn you know? Right now I’ll go upstage and drain each and every member of the audience. Should be enough of a level-up to beat you pests into a pulp, right?
Announcer: I think you should say “Hey Siri, tell me the bad news” now.
Melt: ...Hey Siri, tell me the bad news.
Announcer: For some reason all the audience is gone. Currently, all Melt-sama has in your possession is a flat (read: pettanko) zero.
Melt: Hey Siri, eat shit and die!
Turns out the Gudao group shout to the audience that not only should they should leave because of danger, since Melt is unable to perform, they will instead host an equally beautiful “golden songs from Her Majesty Nero, or rather 10 songs, no make it a 3-day 3-night all-you-can-listen-until-you-faint show!”
Nero: wow! To be able to convince the audience to leave so quickly, the MC must have conveyed my direction really well!
Fuuma: (looks to me they’re running away in fear, but I should probably avoid pointing that out...)
Part 2 will prolly cover Jeanne's dolphin railgun and Okita's ridiculous backstory :D

Part 2 here.

It's The Rich Man's World in Kaiji: Ultimate Survivor

Warning: Mild Spoilers for Kaiji: Ultimate Survivor, as well as its second season Against All Odds.
In a Discord server I mod, one of the bots has an option to gamble with a virtual currency. You gain coins by scoring in a coveted top-three spot for any given artist. The gambling is limited to a single channel, fittingly called #gambling-den, and while at the start I have observed people gambling some of this fake currency, lately it’s full of users simply gambling “all”. I don’t have the channel muted, even though I should have, and I like to gamble all as well - just to see myself lose. Every time I return to the channel - not that this happens worryingly often, simply once in a while - I gamble with the intent of losing everything I got. Maybe this time, I tell myself, I will quit for good. Maybe this time, I will learn my lesson. After all, everything should be in moderation, and I always lose with these things (I was thinking of the gambling moments in the designated city in Pokémon games), and anyway, gambling is haram. Yet I never mute the channel, and I feel a low current in myself, the tip of a dynamite ready to spark: a sliver of a hope to raise the white numbers on a black background. A fuse kicks off when I do, and a cold wind blows out my flame when I don’t. Tough luck, I tell myself. Maybe next time.
Kaiji: Ultimate Survivor, and its successor Kaiji: Against All Odds tap into this vague rush of luck and unfold it into its extremes: innocuous games develop to sprawling plans of strategy and a deathly corrosion of empathy and selfishness; debt-riddled characters, beginning from the protagonist Itou Kaiji, that put their hope into said games, regardless what happens to their minds and bodies; and lastly, the owners of the devious games that enjoy the sight that presents itself. You could watch Kaiji and thank God your sense of gambling isn’t as severe as his -- but you could also watch Kaiji and see a millennial suffering through the uncaring systems of this world.
The first thing we know of twenty-one-year old Kaiji is that he’s just lost a gamble among friends. “The future is in our hands”, doubling both as opening title and poster in Kaiji’s single-room apartment, quickly unhinges on one side as if it sensed the viewer’s presence or realized the sheer crookedness of this statement. The narrator quickly adds with a grave voiceover that Kaiji lives in Tokyo for three years, hasn’t been employed since New Years, and that he is a bum. He spends his money on beer and gambles and likes to hang stolen emblems of foreign cars like trophies to be won in order to release the pent-up resentment. “Anyone who drives this car can’t be a good person, anyway,” Kaiji says with a petty smile on his face, but moments later, the reality of his situation crushes him: “It’s all about money,” he mutters, lying on the ground while a silent tear runs over his cheeks. Seasoned loan shark Endou pays Kaiji a visit moments to remind him of a debt he cosigned, its crushing interest raising it to unmanageable levels, all of which Kaiji has to pay for alone now. The only way out of it is to enter a ship named Espoir (French for “hope”), alongside an accompanying game: it will either clear his debt or put him into underground work for a year or two. Kaiji seems against it - he won’t pay the debt, and to hell with the ship. But Endou is quick to remind him that the worst possible outcome is to continue living like he does. The cruise could be a great opportunity to rid of this “loser” mentality that Kaiji has: his resignation to this life, as unhappy as it is. After all, the things Kaiji wants are always behind display cases, and could he ever think of buying the foreign cars he likes to mutilate? “You’ve given up from the beginning and are satisfied by the little pranks you play,” Endou says as a choir and organs wail dramatically behind him. “If you had ten million, would you do shit like that? Of course you wouldn’t!” Kaiji grunts, all too aware that Endou is right. Must be funny in the rich man’s world, ABBA have aptly sung in Money Money Money. almost four decades ago. Kaiji spends two seasons proving them right.
Early on in the first arc and in the game provided in the ship -- an adult men’s card game involving stars, money, a ticking clock, and rock-paper-scissors -- Kaiji mentions the desire to be better multiple times. “Once we get out of here,” he says, “let’s turn our life around. Let’s really try our best.” The game itself requires a hand of luck or the confidence to make his own choice, but as Kaiji fails to have either -- his cunning is reserved for self-interest at the morally purest level, and he’d rather have someone else choose for him -- he’s quickly scammed by the sly Funai. Kaiji finds himself two new friends to survive the game with, convinced that they wouldn’t betray him, and determined to get all three out of the ship hell or high water. The early winners enjoy the game from above with champagne flutes and stars pinned on their chest; the early losers find themselves doomed behind the game room, stripped bare both literally and mentally, dubbed as “hell” by both Kaiji and the narrator. As the four-hour time and card counters tick down ominously, an uneasy, tense electricity passes through the viewer and Kaiji’s face, which usually alternates between a worried face slick with sweat or wet with tears. To win three stars each for the three with a limited amount of cards and money proves itself a tightrope act, requiring Kaiji to plan on the fly as they are thwarted over and over. It comes as little surprise that the visual metaphors in this show usually revolve around abysses, darknesses, lighthouses, and bridges; red, violet, and blue swirls of dark thoughts and evil intent; monstrous hands that claw and pull at the characters; stretches of zawa, translated as “uneasy atmosphere”. Kaiji stops mentioning this elusive better life in progressing episodes, more focused on friendships and winning for their sake, but he doesn’t deny others of their dreams: in the climax of the first arc as well as one of its tensest moments, Kaiji hears the calls of a teary-eyed man and saves him from the literal hell that awaits him. Ironically, it is preceded by a betrayal of the earlier mentioned friends.
The show is about as subtle about its observations on capitalism as a sledgehammer flying your way. The ultimate antagonist is Hyoudou, an old and rich conglomerate head who admits he likes to see poor people like Kaiji struggle, that the only form of sincerity is in the face of crushing debt and pain; two henchmen act as players opposite Kaiji, both in season one and season two; the second season’s first game plays out in a prison for debtors, its second in a casino run by the conglomerate, while the Espoir is a sponsored affair. The second card game involves slaves that can win against emperors; a character aptly surmises that the poor don’t care about overthrowing the system, simply about being rich themselves. Kaiji has a difficult relationship with society, leading him to unemployment, but he needs to have money somehow. Unsurprisingly, he circles back to gambling, and back into the conglomerate’s hands. But there’s also Kaiji’s fellow debtors that work against him, equal in Kaiji in every way barring their moral stance: while Kaiji will think of a collective - two losers that could help him out on a ship, say, or a group of workers that owe the local kingpin money - these debtors are driven by a selfish sense of survival. Empathy, kindness, and respect: these are the coordinates that Kaiji operates in such high-risk situations, rewarded by men that believe in Kaiji’s good graces and help him the best they can. However, these virtues are juxtaposed with Kaiji’s vice to simply win: a gamble involving tissues that he thinks of on the fly; an accusation of theft that Kaiji seizes as opportunity to offer a gamble; the pachinko game that nobody can beat. “The fucking pigs that thought of this system, where everyone is taken advantage of, are laughing their asses off. The more we think about loss and gain, the more obsessed we become, the more we play into these fuckers’ hands!” Kaiji shouts; the next episode, he regrets that he’s helped out anyone to begin with; the episode after that, he starts crying at the prospect of (literally) pushing aside someone to win. By the second season, he actively begs for a new gamble, anything to rid of his broke state and clear his debts as swiftly as possible. He’s led by vague beliefs of reaching for the stars, but a moment later the narrator flips around the hopeful image: “Kaiji is back into the darkness of gambling, where the light of stars never reach.” But in the darkness, he finds the light of fellow men, ultimately able to dispel the fog for even a single moment.
“Kaiji, fated to lose, loses; Hyoudou, fated to win, wins,” recaps the narrator in the second season. It’s crucial that only Hyoudou is mentioned here; as much as capitalism favors companies that own as much as possible as fast as possible, there is always a single man behind the company, the ruler over the rulers. We like to think of this singular owner in order to relay it to us, to give ourselves motivation and despair both; this trick involving carrots and sticks is one frequently brought up in the show as well, by the people that think they can claim a part of capitalism’s cake. Tonegawa admonishes Kaiji until the game turns in on him, calling him trash and belittling his ability to strategize. He berates another character, Sahara, for even asking more than a fake ticket meaning nothing: “Whether you’re a salaryman or a bureaucrat, everyone is risking their lives for money!” The show makes no illusions on ordinary life: to work up, suck up to people they dislike, and barely save with money - that the characters that are racked up with debt have no way to mingle with that league. In one of the most emotional moments of the show, it draws a link between money ruling the solitary person, the solitary person’s isolation, and how connections are all that we have left. It ceases to be about the debts made, gained, regained, and cleared: as two characters ask one another if they’re okay, that they’re here, they can make it to the other side. I am reminded of a moment of Korean future classic Parasite (2019, dir. Bong Joon Ho), in which the poor driver asks the rich man if, despite her lack of cooking, cleaning, or maintaining the house, he loves his wife. The rich man hesitates for a second, then starts laughing. “Of course I do,” he says with a conviction that love has no materialistic gain. It only propels the poor character to scam the rich some more.
The best arcs of Kaiji are the ones where he has some control in the games and said control isn’t pulled out of thin air. Ostensibly, it’s because an active protagonist makes for better stories, a far more engaging watch than a protagonist simply pulled from one moment to the next. But as the show personifies capitalism, gives him a name and an unseemly appearance to match, Kaiji’s control gains a second and third dimension. Because to talk about capitalism is to talk about control: who gets to have control, who can exact control on you, who bought the game and rigged it. So then, Kaiji seizing the means means a pushback, a rebellion: in a system within a system, he can thrive and win -- and maybe get the people around him to win, also. When Kaiji is able to tell the opponent’s card, it is not by sheer deus-ex-machina, but by observation and planning in the game’s long term. When he can accurately call out a scam, it’s with the additional knowledge that Kaiji himself has a counter plan. “We don’t care about your rules,” Kaiji’s VA sings in the first opening. “We don’t care about your morals / We weren’t born to lose.” The rebellious attitude manifests best when Kaiji has something to rebel against, and if it’s in his means. Conversely, the most crushing moments of Kaiji are the moments where the chance of him destroying himself irreversibly seem greater than him winning, when his life is on the line and his irises have shrunk far into his wide eyes. In those moments, it’s impossible not to think of the pain of Kaiji’s temporary friends; as if he could hear the viewer’s thoughts, Kaiji frequently cries for the same reason. Absolute despair, chants the narrator.
In her excellent essay collection Trick Mirror: Reflections of Self-Delusion, Jia Tolentino observes that, now more than ever, surviving can look a lot like a lottery. “As wealth continues to flow upward,” she continues, “as Americans are increasingly shut out of their own democracy, as political action is constrained to online spectacle, I have felt so many times that the choice of this era is to be destroyed or to morally compromise ourselves in order to be functional -- to be wrecked, or to be functional for reasons that contribute to the wreck.” For one and a half episode, we see Kaiji’s moral compromise in order to function in society: he pushes aside the people that are friendly to him and presents himself as difficult on purpose. But in the gambles and against morally compromised people, his own moral compass shines through. He can only control when it’s a system within a system, a rigged game he can work against, be it by its design or the opponent’s cheats. In the workplace, he admits he can’t suck up to others and that he hates others that do; in the gambling ship, he berates others that they didn’t care about friendship, about the promises he’s wholeheartedly believed in. His sole sore spot, expertly pushed by Endou over and over until its breaking point, is when he points out to Kaiji that he can’t make choices on his own, and thus control his own life. Control, then, becomes both the bridge the characters crave and the abyss that they all fear. It manifests in the darkness and the hands that seizes hold of the characters. It’s Kaiji’s obsession of gambling, and its lack the empty feeling he senses in ordinary life, desperation and economic bankruptcy beckoning at every corner. Control, simply put, hides in the games of the show, the gambles that Kaiji takes, over and over: the fleeting moments where Kaiji doesn’t cry or feels despair, where he takes the scam head-on and has a retaliation, where he can take care of others and of himself. The outside games showcase compulsion -- the lack of control -- but even then, it’s hard to admonish Kaiji, who genuinely seems like a good person compromised by the world he’s in. In the second opening’s second half, Hyoudou’s wide and joyous face twists and turns to a roulette that Kaiji runs on like a ball to someone’s game, money bills blowing past him. He stretches out his hand to a bird of light; in the next shot, it flies high above the air and Kaiji chases on concrete. He falls, scraped and bruised, and gets up, eyes wide and then narrow as the viewer takes the bird’s place and flies off to the distance. “I can do it,” sings the vocalist of Fear, and Loathing in Las Vegas. “Stretch out your hand.”
There’s a message pinned to the #gambling-den channel in our Discord server, dated 23rd December. “there is a command called !gamble all alt that will gamble an extreme amount of your coins, and result in gains or losses of up to 25x”. I tried it out and promptly won, totalling my fictional currency to around 100k and, more importantly, got myself a spot in the top 20 currency holders of our server (a proud #13). I tried out the command again, but mixed up the prefix; this was while watching a Kaiji episode, and I felt in my gut that I would lose. I tried again and, as I had predicted, lost all of my currency. A fellow user, one that is very fond of me, sent 500 my way, and right away I felt the embarrassment I always do when receiving presents. “It’s not that serious,” I wrote; but in truth, I still glance at the channel, waiting for the moment when I feel ready to lose it all again. Or, maybe, possibly, gain some more. You know, just so that I can lose it all.
Credits: Title is a lyric from ABBA’s Money Money Money, off the 1976 album Arrival.
Translations to the first season are provided by the sub group Triad, the second by Nutbladder (if the file names don’t completely fail me). The translation to zawa has been found by urbandictionary. If there is a mistake in the translations provided, please let me know.
Parasite (2019) is a movie directed by Boon Jong-Ho, distributed in the US by Neon.
The excerpt off Jia Tolentino’s Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion is in the essay A Story of a Generation in Seven Scams. The book is out via Random House and on all bookstores.
Translations to the second opening, Chase the Light, provided by Musicmatch.
Kaiji: Ultimate Survivor and Kaiji: Against All Odds has no licensors available for legal streaming (according to MAL).
Also thank you to DutchPeasant, Chariotwheel, and theangryeditor for their initial insights and comments.

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