Artist: Run The Jewels
Album: RTJ4
Date Released: June 3rd, 2020
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Artist Background
The duo consisting of Atlanta rapper Killer Mike, and legendary underground produceMC El-P, known together as Run The Jewels, originally came together as a result of Adult Swim executive Jason DeMarco who introduced the two in 2011. After his 2011 album PL3DGE peaked at #115 on the US charts, Killer Mike told Jason that he wanted to make his own AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted. Jason informed Mike, “If you want AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted modernized, the only producer I know who comes close to the Bomb Squad-level of production is El-P”. The duo’s chemistry was immediate, as El-P went on to produce all of Killer Mike’s 2012 last solo album R.A.P. Music, and Mike featured on El-P’s final solo album Cancer 4 Cure. Mike and El’s respective albums released within a week of each other in May 2012, and the two embarked on a twenty-city US tour in the following months. After returning from tour, the pair had found a friendship growing between themselves, and made the decision to put other projects on hold and focus on the chemistry that had been sparked. Recording at an upstate NY studio beginning in April 2013, the duo re-appropriated the phrase “Run The Jewels” from the LL Cool J track “Cheesy Rat Blues", and released their self-titled collaborative album, for free via digital download, only a mere 2 months later in June 2013.
36” Chain vs. Pistol & Fist
Run The Jewels discography currently exists in a distinct pairing. With Run The Jewels as their debut, this record set the group's tone as a light-hearted, braggadocious duo with as much confidence in their abilities as swag in their punchlines. Just over a year later, the sequel Run The Jewels 2 took the foundation set from their freshman effort and dialed the insanity up to 11. RTJ2 pushed the boundaries of their aggression and flows to new heights; with incredible energy in their verses, and absolutely impeccable beats, blending El-P’s signature industrial sound with sharp synth arpeggios, chopped Zach De La Rocha vocals, and absolutely bonkers Travis Barker drums.
It was then nearly 3 years before Jamie and Mike followed up their breakout RTJ2, with Run The Jewels 3 being released again ahead of its scheduled release date via free digital download, this time on Christmas Eve 2016. Instead of these two attempting to outdo the pure insanity and in-your-face attitude found in their predecessor, Mike and El decide to evolve themselves as a group. The duo had noticeably pulled back on the swag and dick jokes which made such a splash on RTJ2, instead choosing a more subdued, electronic approach to their beats, as well as a clearly stronger political approach in their lyrics. This change in sound and style is demonstrated in the album cover’s artwork. The first two records featured the distinctive RTJ “Pistol and Fist”, with the fist tightly gripping a chain. The chain, in my opinion, represents the swag and braggadocio that drove the aggressive nature of their first two albums. In RTJ3 the chain is removed, leaving only hands that have transformed from bleeding and bandaged, to a pristine gold.
This brings us to early 2020. It’s been nearly 4 years of living in a post-Trump America, and El-P announces that Run The Jewels fourth record has been completed. Mike and El live-stream the first single “yankee and the brave” on Instagram on March 22nd, 2020. Lyrically and sonically, RTJ4 exists as the successor to Run The Jewels 3, with Mike and El again taking the good from their previous effort and launching it into the creative stratosphere. El-P’s beats are again leaning towards the synthetic, electronic side, this time with the intensity dialed all the way up to 11. From a lyrical perspective, RTJ takes the politically-charged lyrics from their predecessor, and again, up the ante, laying down some of the hardest hitting and politically poignant bars either of these two have ever spit.
Album Review
2020 was a year that none of us will soon forget. An unprecedented global health crisis kept the majority of us inside for months at a time. RTJ4 was announced on May 12th, 2020, with a release date slated for June 5th, 2020. However, with 2020 as the gift that won’t stop giving, the end of May was highlighted by the unjust killing of George Floyd. The phrase heard around the world, “I can’t breathe” instantly became a rally-cry for the oppressed to finally take to the streets to demand systemic police reform, as Floyd’s death was not the first time this phrase was uttered in an unjust police killing. In fact, a 2020 study by the New York Times showed that at least 70 people have died in police custody after using the same phrase over the past decade. As millions of American’s began organizing protests and demonstrations in the wake of Floyd’s death, Run The Jewels made the decision to release their latest chapter two days ahead of the scheduled release. El-P tweeted, just minutes ahead of the drop, “Fuck it, why wait. The world is infested with bullshit, so here’s something raw to listen to while you deal with it all. We hope it brings you some joy. Stay safe and hopeful out there and thank you for giving 2 friends the chance to be heard and do what they love”. In line with all past Run The Jewels releases, the album was made available for free digital download, two days ahead of its scheduled release date, on June 3rd, 2020.
THE RETURN (we don’t mean no harm but we truly mean all the disrespect)
RTJ4 opens with the first single, “yankee and the brave (ep. 4)”. Using the team names from their respective hometown baseball teams, Mike and El use the opening track to prove that they’re not just a hip-hop duo, they’re brothers, for better or worse. El-P kicks this installment off with rapid-fire, machine-gun esque snares, matching Killer Mike’s aggressive flow and tightly packed rhymes, before El jumps in to trade some dense rhymes as well. Mike and El depict themselves as outlaws, with Mike surrounded by cops with only one bullet remaining. He contemplates suicide instead of allowing the police to take him alive, until El-P jumps back in, offering Mike a way out, with a getaway car waiting outside. This tense situation is depicted lightheartedly in this song’s music video, which was released via Adult Swim and features the duo animated.
The trade-off between Mike and El’s short verses are reminiscent of late-80’s EPMD flows, while the production sounds like boom-bap that’s been sent to us from the future. This distinctive blend of old-school rap roots and forward thinking production is what continues to separate Run The Jewels from absolutely all of their contemporaries. While so many artists are continually playing catch-up with the latest trends, RTJ are side-stepping the trendy and moving forward with the mind-bending.
FLEXIN’ (ayo one for mayhem, two for mischief)
The second single “ooh la la” samples a Gang Star track "DWYCK (feat. Nice & Smooth)" as the basis for the chorus. I say “samples” as that’s how it is credited in the album’s liner notes, however it’s truly an interpolation of Greg Nice’s bar, slowed down slightly, and sung by El-P and Greg Nice himself. El-P is a true old-head at heart, and it’s abundantly obvious in his work, even going as far as to recruit legendary producer DJ Premiere to handle the scratching on the back end of this banger.
Out of key piano chords are looped to quickly create an unsettling aura surrounding the track, before El-P’s voice cuts through the infectious piano like a whip. Pounding, up-tempo drums are introduced after the chorus’ first iteration, creating what is possibly El-P’s first danceable beat. Lyrically, Mike and El-P initially seem scattered on this track, however the music video quickly makes their point very obvious.

”we imagined the world on the day that the age old struggle of class was finally over. a day that humanity, empathy and community were victorious over the forces that would separate us based on arbitrary systems created by man.
this video is a fantasy of waking up on a day that there is no monetary system, no dividing line, no false construct to tell our fellow man that they are less or more than anyone else. not that people are without but that the whole meaning of money has vanished. that we have somehow solved our self created caste system and can now start fresh with love, hope and celebration. its a dream of humanity’s V-DAY… and the party we know would pop off.”

The video envisions a society celebrating the fact that the class system we currently exist within has finally imploded. Money is worthless, and we have rejected the desire to bind ourselves to the constraints of capitalism. All creeds and colors unite to burn the system that has so effectively controlled us for over a century. It’s a party, and if there was a song to celebrate the end of the world as it is currently known, “ooh la la” is that song.
Mike’s last verse features a few metaphors and comparisons celebrating the destruction of capitalism, saving the most poignant for last:

I used to love Bruce, but livin' my vida loca
Helped me understand I'm probably more of a Joker
When we usher in chaos, just know that we did it smiling
Cannibals on this island, inmates run the asylum

Premo’s expertly cut scratches lead us into the equally hard hitting sample flip of “Misdemeanor”, by Foster Stevens as the basis for the beat to “out of sight”. Lending yet another nod to the old-school greats that laid the foundation for RTJ, “out of sight” samples the same track as The D.O.C.’s “It’s Funky Enough”, only adding a bouncy, electronic synth atop the inverted chord hits, and uptempo, industrial drums, to create an absolutely infectious groove for Mike and El’s dynamic chemistry to shine, rapidly jumping between each other’s two line flows in the first verse.
“out of sight” shows each MC providing insight into how each of them earned a living and achieved their current status. Mike and El’s opening verse each details themselves robbing people in order to eat. El alludes to the fact that he crossed his accomplices in crime for the whole bag, while Mike details the fact his assailant tells him it’s an “honor” to be robbed by his mother’s only son.
While El-P’s production is the obvious stand out on first listen, Killer Mike comes through with one of the most sonically pleasing and technically proficient verses of 2020.

We the motivating, devastating, captivating
Ghost and Rae relating product of the fuckin' '80s
Coke dealin' babies, never regulating, bag accumulating
It would not be overstating to say they are underrating
The pride of Brooklyn and the Grady, baby
We don't need no compliments or confidence
Our attitude and latitude is "fuck you, pay me"

The dense, intricate rhyme schemes smack you in the face, almost distracting you from Mike’s delivery and blistering flow on the verse; flexing his legendary status while paying homage to his drug-dealing past. This absolutely stunning display of technical skill, story telling, and complex rhyming illustrates how RTJ seamlessly integrates the best of both old school and new school hip-hop.
“out of sight” also features a guest verse from 2 Chainz, and he continues to lay the braggadocio on thick. Considering Tity Boi’s dedication to trap stylings, his verse feels right at home on the flex track, despite it’s late 80’s tribute sample, a considerable departure from his usual sound palette.
Up until this point, I haven’t mentioned any of the El-P’s lyrics specifically. El-P is a great rapper, but Killer Mike… Well, Killer Mike is an incredible rapper. He’s the guy who draws you in. El-P is the one who lays the foundation for greatness and Mike is the show stopper, and that’s generally the case for most RTJ tracks. But on “holy calamafuck”, El-P seems determined to make people stop and ask, “Who the fuck is this?!”.
A sharp, yet nearly minimalistic drum kit backing a heavily distorted synthesizer melody lays beneath rhymically knocking cow-bells. This aggressively set stage allows Mike and El to flex as the dynamic duo they are, until the beat suddenly takes a turn for the chaotic. A gnarled, ultra-menacing synth overtakes everything while Mike screams into the abyss, until a distorted snare, enormous 808s, and skeletal hi-hats cut through and launch the beat switch into another dimension. The minimal, yet incredibly dark soundscape allows El-P to snap in a way I have never heard from him previously. His rhymes schemes are reminiscent of an old MF DOOM lyric notebook, while his topics flawlessly combine flexing, psychedelic use, and his well-cemented legacy in the hip-hop community. Cutting and pasting a few of his bars into this review could not convey a fraction of how stunning El-P’s performance on “holy calamafuck” is.
Slightly later in the track list, making liberal use of the Ether song “Gang of Four”, “the ground below” samples and loops the sharp guitar riff and adds aggressive, pounding drums as the basis for the beat; this is finally reminiscent of the forward-thinking, stridulous production El-P has built his reputation on. Capitalising on the classic RTJ moment, Mike and El both flex in their own unique ways. Mike compares himself to Godzilla taking on Tokyo, and El-P demands respect for his name as the legend he is, threatening to smack dying children for mispronouncing his name with his middle finger to the world; his complete disregard for human life and confidence in his abilities are summed up at the end of his verse.

You see a future where Run the Jewels ain’t the shit
Cancel my Hitler-killing trip
Turn the time machine back around a century

SO¢IAL JU$T-ICE (until my voice go from a shriek to whisper...)
While the first few tracks aren’t without their social and political themes, the back-end of RTJ4 is where Mike and El start to bust out the heavy topics. “goonies vs. E.T.”. starts off light, with El-P pointing to the irony of how once he finally started to make it “big” in the industry, the world began to descend into chaos due to climate changes, increasingly obvious social injustice, and political madness. He culminates his frustration with our disregard for the Earth with a fantastic quotable.

Fuck y’all got, another planet on stash?
Far from the fact of the flames and our trash
That is not snow, it is ash, and you gotta know
The past got a wrath, it’s a lover gone mad

Mike’s verse takes the light-hearted frustration expressed by El-P, and turns the aggression to the next level. Aiming his sights against the ruling class and their society that’s been designed to oppress people for profit, who have very meticulously painted themselves as celebrities and idols to the American public. Mike accepts that he will be villainized by these people for speaking against them, but he welcomes the nefarious role, knowing that the working class will eventually eat the rich, no matter how much they are stomped into the dirt.
And this is just the warmup.
If it’s possible for a song to represent a moment in time that captures the absolute shit storm that has been 2020, “walking in the snow” is that song. It’s release coincided perfectly with the protests for George Floyd which were sweeping the nation. Killer Mike’s verse directly references the phrase “I can’t breathe”, the last words of Eric Garner, which also happened to be the last words of Floyd as well. The fact that this verse was reportedly written in November 2019 perpetually underscores the importance of the content and perfectly represents how persistent this problem is. “walking in the snow” is a true encapsulation of both a defining moment in time and an ever-persisting issue.
But he doesn’t just stop at the racial injustice. Mike goes on an absolute rant about the American education system; how it’s not designed to teach people, but to discriminate against poor populations, limiting their legitimate opportunities, and therefore disproportionately leading them into a criminal lifestyle. He calls out the media as fear-mongers, and the apathy of the American public in the face of indecency. Fortunately for Mike, by the time we finally had the chance to hear this masterpiece, we were already on our feet, using this album as a war cry to mobilize against a tyrannical government that militarized against its own citizens simply for asking that we recognize systemic racism and demanding change. Killer Mike has the best verse of the year, no doubt in my mind.
The only drawback is that Mike’s verse is so fucking good that it completely overshadows El-P’s, which is also amazing. A menacing guitar riff and haunting synths kick the track off into a bouncy groove, where El-P unleashes a flurry of internal rhymes that does not relent for about half his verse. Even adding layers of social commentary within the densely packed bars, El refuses to quit and continues on his political tirade; criticizing ICE’s detainment center practices and the “pseudo-Christians” who support them, with a bar that now lives in my head:

Pseudo-Christians, y’all indifferent, kids in prison ain’t a sin? Shit
if even one scrap of what Jesus taught connected you’d feel different
what a disingenuous way to piss away existence, I don’t get it
I’d say you lost your goddamn minds if y’all possessed one to begin with

The combination of two of the best verses spit by any rapper(s) this year and production help from El-P and long time RTJ collaborator Little Shalimar, create a bouncy, aggressive, deeply truthful banger. “walking in the snow” not only encapsulates the crux of 2020 with lyrics that will become more powerful as they age, but will also forever be associated with the Black Lives Matter movement and the determination to expose continuing racial and societal injustices.
The sonic palette of RTJ4 holds an extremely unique place in El-P’s discography. Jamie is the definition of a self-made 90’s hip-hop legend. This is the dude who put New York underground hip-hop on the map with Company Flow, and he did it with his unique flavor of dark, noisy, dense, boom-bap. Whether he was doing it with the help of Rawkus, or completely independently during his Definitive Jux run, El-P has never made music with the intention of becoming famous. Funcrusher Plus, Fantastic Damage,I’ll Sleep When You’re Dead, and Cancer 4 Cure are all highly revered as industrial, technical, abrasive, and completely unsuitable for the radio or a party. The fact that three songs on RTJ4 could easily be heard on the radio, at a party, or in a TV series credits scene is frankly, astounding. In a 2002 interview/documentary on El-P’s budding record label Def Jux, he stated that his friend bet him $500 that he could not make a beat that was “happy”. At the time of the interview, El-P said that he had not won that bet yet. While I might not qualify the beats on RTJ4 as “happy”, if you showed El-P the beat for “JU$T” in 2002, I believe he might have won that bet.
Pharell opens “JU$T” with the pre-chorus, spitting varied examples of how we’re all slaves to our current system throughout the track, over echoing snares and bouncy 808s before bright synth chords and up-tempo hi-hats burst in while Killer Mike delivers the chorus, pointing to the fact that the majority of the people featured on American currency owned slaves at one point in their lives. Mike’s verse touches on the fact that he has committed crimes to get where they are today. Mike is publicly open about his past as a drug dealer. So why is he a criminal, but Benjamin Franklin isn’t? These are the people who built our country, and they built it on the backs of slaves. He illustrates this theme with a more recent examples:

You believe corporations runnin marijuana? Ooh (how that happen?)
and your country gettin ran by a casino owner (ooh)
pedophiles sponsor all these fuckin’ racist bastards (they do)

When corporations are able to sell cannabis legally, but the government continually incarcerates people who trap, our president is a notoriously fraudulent businessman, and the people who helped put him in power run a pedophile ring, yet none of them face consequences and are allowed to continue to profit and remain in power while people suffer; well, we might be closer to slaves than previously imagined.
Rage Against The Machine frontman Zach de la Rocha also makes his mandatory feature appearance at the end of “JU$T”. As the only artist to feature on three Run The Jewels albums, Zach is essentially an unofficial member of the group at this point. His fiery verse is spit with the same “Rage” energy that set him apart in the mid-90’s, ending the track questioning his place in a capitalist society as a recipe for his inevitable demise, since his “breath”, or art, as his weapon to express himself is still being exploited for other’s profit.
Continuing with RTJ4’s heavily synthetic sonic palette, “never look back” features wavering synth leads resting above the slow-jams snappy snares and thumping bass, while a haunting voice echoes in the background. This unsettling aura provides additional gravity for Jamie and Mike to continue self-reflecting on defining moments in their childhood, and as well as how far they’ve come from those moments. Mike and El are both self-made men, and while they have a certain fondness for those gritty moments that defined them, moving forward in life is undoubtedly more important.
Skeletal drums reminiscent of a slowly pounding heart opens “pulling the pin”, before rhythmic hi-hats and textured, watery synths fluttering in the upper register resting above a bouncy synth lead, and punchy 808s, burst in. The track digs itself into a slower, marching groove and shows the duo figuratively doing exactly what the title implies. Painting a portrait of a society that has turned on itself, Mike and El are ready to pull the pin and start over.
The duo both detail their despise for the ruling class, pointing out multiple examples of how the elite have designed our society to keep poor people in their class. Simultaneously recognizing their own hypocrisy for profiting in a system that inherently discriminates; Mike reflects on his own success, knowing that living the lifestyle he enjoys is one built on oppression, and expresses the guilt that has caused him. El-P opens with a brutal metaphor for police, implying that they’re the root cause of the “wretched state of danger” our society exists within, and that the only effective corrective action is to numb yourself with drugs. Despite his advice, Jamie knows this is not a permanent solution, but one that causes more self-inflicted wounds.
The final piece of the puzzle that is RTJ4, “a few words for the firing squad” begins to close the album with ever crescending strings, and loud, thunderous drums which never seem to resolve, continuing throughout their verses. While the drums that lead to nowhere can be sonically unpleasant, the unresolved melodies are intentionally representative of their current mindsets. Their verses are reflective and grim, but simultaneously optimistic and envisions a world where tragedy is a less common occurrence.
El is grateful for what he has now but recognizes his entire life has been skewed by traumas, so out of place feels normal for him. He reflects on his current success, noting that the worst people tend to end up with the most, which makes becoming “rich” something not as desirable as it once was.
Mike opens up about the death of his mother who died while he was on an airplane, admitting his struggles to not cope with his trauma with opioids. However, his wife provides him the most important reason to stay clean “but my queen/say she need a king/not another junkie rapper fiend” while a heartbreaking saxophone solo highlights the gravity of his lyrics.
The track ends with what sounds the like wrap-up voiceover to a TV show, a conceptually satisfying ending, as the opening track “yankee and brave (ep.4)” began with El-P stating:

”This week, on Yankee and The Brave”

This voiceover paints the duo as brothers on the run from the law and crooked cops, and while this does close this “episode” out as intended, the critic in me is bothered by the slightly kitschy outro to such a spectacular album. The voices singing over and over, “Brave, brave, braaaaaave, Yankee and the Brave” would be, simply put, better left on the cutting room floor. The ending of this track alone is what knocks my score of this album down a few points. Despite its stellar lyrical content, with drums that never seem to reach that “holy shit!” moment, and the easily skippable outro, it’s upsetting to me that an album this great ends on such a low note.
Overview
RTJ4 is by far my favorite album of the year. El-P’s cutting edge approach to their sound, blended with lyrical content that continues to be more relevant by the day, the duo have come together with what is objectively their most accessible album to date. RTJ4 is the natural evolution of sound and subject matter for the duo; taking the foundation set by Run The Jewels 3 and evolving it into a more concise, more accessible, and more conceptual album. While I still personally prefer the “fuck the world” intensity and experimental nature of Run The Jewels 2, RTJ4 opens themselves up to a whole new world of exposure, and when you’re as talented as these two, you know they’re going to capitalize on it. RTJ is currently at their apex, and they’ve created an album that will make many new life-long fans going forward.
9.2/10
Discussion Points

How does this compare to other RTJ releases? How about in comparison to the member’s solo works?
Does the overwhelmingly positive critical reception of this album surprise you?
How will this be looked back on in 5 years?
What are your favorite lyrics?

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CARS 3 (NP) (MA(HD)/ITUNES 4K$6 OR GP $5)
CATS & DOGS 3 :PAWS UNITE (MA) $8
CASINO 4K 1995 (MA) $8
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN (2018) SPLIT (MA $7) OR GP $5
COMING TO AMERICA 4K (ITUNES) $7
CONJURING-THE (MA)
CORRUPTED-THE (VUDU $5 OR ITUNES) $4
COUNTDOWN (ITUNES 4K) $5
CRAWL (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $6
CREED 2 (VD) $5
CULT OF CHUCKY(UNRATED) (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
CURE FOR WELLNESS-A (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES)
DADDY'S HOME 2 (SPLIT) VUDU 4K $6 OR VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $3)
DALLAS BUYERS CLUB (VUDU OR ITUNES)
DARK KNIGHT RISES-THE (MA)
DEADWOOD THE MOVIE (VD) $5
DEATH WISH (VUDU)
DEEP WATER HORIZON (4K) (VUDU OR ITUNES) $6.50
DEN OF THIEVES (ITUNES)
DESPICABLE ME 3 (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
DIVERGENT (2014) (VUDU)
DIVERGENT: ALLEGIANT SERIES (2016) (VUDU) $8
DIVERGENT: INSURGENT SERIES (2015) (VUDU) $8
DOCTOR SLEEP + DIRECTOR'S CUT (MA) $8
DOLPHIN TALE 2 (MA)
DOLITTLE (MA) $7
DOOM ANNIHILATION (MA) $5
DOORMAN-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $7
DORA & THE LOST CITY OF GOLD (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
DOWNSIZING (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
DUNKIRK (MA)
ECHO BOOMERS (VUDU OR ITUNES) $7
ESCAPE PLAN (2013) VUDU
E.T-THE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL (ITUNES)
EXPENDABLES 2 (2012) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
FAHRENHEIT 451 (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
FANTASTIC BEAST & WHERE TO FIND THEM 4K (MA) (2016) $7
FAST & THE FURIOUS #1- (SPLIT) VUDU/MA OR (ITUNES 4K)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #2- (SPLIT) (VUDU/MA ITUNES 4K)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #3- (SPLIT) (VUDU/MA OR ITUNES 4K)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #4- (SPLIT) ( VUDU/MA OR (ITUNES 4K)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #5 - EXTENDED VERSION (SPLIT) (VUDU HD OR ITUNES HD)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #6 - EXTENDED VERSION (SPLIT) (VUDU HD OR ITUNES 4K)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #7 EXTENDED VERSION (SPLIT) (VUDU HD OR ITUNES 4K)
FAST & THE FURIOUS #8 - FATE OF THE FURIOUS EXTENDED VERSION (SPLIT) (VUDU HD OR ITUNES 4K
FAULT IN OUR STARS-THE (VD OR ITUNES 4K)
FAVOURITE-THE (2018) (MA) $8
FIFTY SHADES DARKER UNRATED (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K )
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
FINDING DORY (SPLIT) (MA(HD) OR ITUNES 4K $6) NP OR (GP $4)
FIRST MAN (MA) $6
FOCUS (2015) (MA)
FORCE OF NATURE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $6
FOUR KIDS & IT (VD) $6
FOX & THE HOUND 2 (SPLIT) (GP$6)
FROZEN (SPLIT) (MA 4K $7 OR GP $5)
GAURDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 2 (SPLIT)
GEMINI MAN (VUDU 4K $8 OR HD $6 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
GENTLEMAN1-THE (ITUNES 4K) $8
GET HARD (MA)
GET OUT (SPLIT) (ITUNES 4K)
GHOSTBUSTERS 2 1989 (MA) $5
GHOST IN THE SHELL 2017 (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
GIRL ON THE TRAIN (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
GIRLS TRIP (SPLIT) (VUDU) OR (ITUNES)
GLASS (MA) $5
GOLD (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
GOLDFINCH-THE (MA) (SD) $2
GOOD BOYS (MA) $5
GOOD DINOSAUR-THE (GP $5)
GOOD LIAR-THE SD MA
GOONIES-THE 4K (MA) $7
GRAVITY (MA)
GREAT WALL-THE (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
GRETEL & HANSEL (VUDU) HD $8
GRINCH (2018) (MA) $6
GRINGO (AMAZON PRIME) $2
GROWN UPS 2 (MA)
GUNMAN-THE (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
HACKSAW RIDGE 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $7
HALLOWEEN (2018) (MA)
HANGOVER 2 (MA)
HAPPYTIME MURDERS (ITUNES)
HARRIET (MA) $9
HARRY POTTER & THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PT 2 (#7) (MA)
HEAT-THE (2013) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
HEAVEN IS FOR REAL (MA HD $4 OR SD $2)
HIDDEN FIGURES (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
HIGH NOTE (MA) $8
HOBBIT-THE : AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY (MA) $5
HOCUS POCUS (GP) $3
HOLMES & WATSON (MA) $5
HOME ALONE 2 (MA)
HONEST THIEF (MA) $9
HOSTILES (4K) (VUDU OR ITUNES) $5
HOT TUB TIME MACHINE (MA)
HOUSE-THE (MA)
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1 (VUDU OR ITUNES )
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1-3 (MA) $14
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 2 (MA)
HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 3 (MA) $6
HUNGER GAMES (2012) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE (2013) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
HUNGER GAMES: MOCKING JAY PART 1 (2014) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
HUNGER GAMES: MOCKING JAY PART 2 (2015) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
HUNT-THE (MA) $8
HUNTSMAN-THE WINTERS WAR EXT (SPLIT) (VUDU HD OR ITUNES 4K)
HUSTLE-THE (ITUNES)
HUSTLERS (ITUNES)
IDENTITY THIEF (VD OR ITUNES)
I FEEL PRETTY (ITUNES)
I SEE YOU (SPLIT) (VUDU $6 OR ITUNES $4)
I STILL BELIEVE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $6
I STILL SEE YOU (VUDU)
IF BEALE STREET COULD TALK (MA)
INCREDIBLES 2 (SPLIT) GP $6)
INCREDIBLES-THE (SPLIT) GP $6
INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE (MA OR 4K VIA FOX) $5
INSIDE OUT (GP $5)
INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (SD)(MA)
INSTANT FAMILY (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
INVISIBLE MAN (MA) 4K $9 OR HD $7
IRONMAN (SPLIT) (MA/ITUNES 4K $8 OR GP $6)
IRONMAN 2 (MA/ITUNES 4K $8 OR MA HD/ITUNES 4K $7 OR GP $6)
IRON MAN 3 (MA4K/ITUNES 4K $8 OR GP $6)
IRON MASK (VUDU OR ITUNES) $7
IRRESISTIBLE (MA) $10
JACK REACHER N.G.B (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
JAMES BOND: THE DANIEL CRAIG COLLECTION (4 FILM BUNDLE) (VD HD $15)
JASON BOURNE : BOURNE IDENTITY (MA) 4K (2002) $8
JASON BOURNE : BOURNE SUPREMACY (MA) 4K (2004) $8
JASON BOURNE : BOURNE ULTIMATUM (MA) 4K (2007) $8
JASON BOURNE : BOURNE LEGACY (MA) 4K (2012) $8
JASON BOURNE (SPLIT) VUDU 4K $8 OR VD HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $2 (2016)
JEXI (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $6
JIU JITSU (VUDU OR ITUNES) ($7)
JOHN HENRY (2020) (VUDU $4 OR ITUNES $2)
JOHN WICK 1 & 2 (VUDU) $10
JOHN WICK 3 4K (VUDU/ITUNES/GP) $10
JOKER (MA 4K $7 OR HDX $5)
JOY (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $5
JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (MA) (SD)
JUNGLE BOOK-THE (2016) (GP $6)
JURASSIC PARK (1993) (MA/VD)
JURASSIC PARK: THE LOST WORLD (1997) (MA)
JURASSIC WORLD (2015) (SPLIT) (VD OR ITUNES 4K)
JUSTICE LEAGUE (MA) $5
JUST MERCY (MA) $8
KIDNAP (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES)
KILLERMAN (VUDU $5 OR ITUNES $4)
KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD (MA)
KING KONG 4K (2005) (MA) $8
KING OF STATEN ISLAND (MA) $8
KINGSMAN-GOLDEN CIRCLE (MA OR ITUNES 4K)
KITCHEN-THE (MA SD $4)
KNICK-THE (S1) (SPLIT) (VUDU $8 OR ITUNES $7)
KNIVES OUT 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
KNOCK KNOCK (VUDU OR ITUNES)
KRAMPUS (VD)
LAST STAND-THE (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
LAST WITCH HUNTER-THE (VD)
LEGEND OF TARZAN-THE (MA)
LEGION-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES) $6
LEGO DC SHAZAM!: MAGIC & MONSTERS (MA) $6
LEGO MOVIE 4K (2014) (MA) $6 OR VD HD $4
LEGO NINJAGO MOVIE-THE (MA) $5
LIFE (2017) (MA)
LIGHT OF MY LIFE (SPLIT) (VUDU $6 OR ITUNES $4)
LIKE A BOSS (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $8
LITTLE (MA) $5
LIVE BY NIGHT (MA)
LOGAN (VUDU OR ITUNES)
LOGAN LUCKY (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
LONE SURVIVOR (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
LORAX-THE (SPLIT) (VD OR ITUNES)
LUCKY DAY (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $6
MAGIC MIKE (MA)
MAMMA MIA-HERE WE GO AGAIN (MA)
MAN OF STEEL (MA)
MEGAN LEAVEY (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES)
MADAGASCAR 3 (🍏)
M:I (SPLIT) (VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
M:I #2 (SPLIT) (VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
M:I #3 (SPLIT) (ITUNES 4K $4)
M:I #4 (SPLIT) (VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
M:I #5 (SPLIT) (VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
M:I-6 FALLOUT (SPLIT) (VUDU 4K $5 OR VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
MILE 22 (ITUNES 4K) $2.50
MISS PEREGRINE'S H.F.P.C (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
MOANA (MA $4 OR GP $3)
MOB TOWN (VUDU OR ITUNES) $4
MOLLY'S GAME (ITUNES)
MONSTERS UNIVERSITY (GP $5)
MONSTERS, INC.(SPLIT) (MA HD OR ITUNES 4K $7)
MORTAL ENGINES (MA) $5
MOTHER (SPLIT) VUDU 4K $5 OR VUDU HD $2 OR ITUNES 4K $2)
MOTHERLESS BROOKLYN (SD) MA $4
MOUNTAIN BETWEEN US (MA OR ITUNES 4K VIA FOX WEBSITE)
MUD (VUDU)
MULAN 1998 (MA 4K $7 OR GP $6)
MULAN (2020) (SPLIT) (MA $7 OR GP $5)
MUMMY-THE 1999 (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
MUMMY RETURNS-THE 2001 (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
MUMMY-THE: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR (2008) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
MUMMY-THE 2017 (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
MURDER ON ORIENT EXPRESS (MA)
NEW MUTANTS (SPLIT) (MA $6 OR GP $5)
NEW YEARS EVE (2011) MA
NIGHT BEFORE-THE (MA)
NIGHT HUNTER (VUDU $5 OR ITUNES $4)
NIGHT SCHOOL EXTENDED CUT (MA)
NOBODY'S FOOL (SPLIT) (VUDU $4 OR ITUNES $3)
NOCTURNAL ANIMALS (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
NON-STOP (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
NOW YOU SEE ME (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
NOW YOU SEE ME 1&2 (VUDU) $8
NUT JOB 2 NUTTY BY NATURE (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES)
OCEANS 8 (4K) (MA) $7
OFFICE X-MAS PARTY (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
OFFICIAL SECRETS (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
OTHER WOMAN-THE (MA)
ONLY THE BRAVE (MA) HD$4 OR SD$2
ONWARD (SPLIT) MA 4K $8 OR GP $5
OVERLORD (SPLIT) VUDU 4K $6 OR VUDU HDX/ITUNES 4K $4
OZ THE GREAT & POWERFUL (GP) $5
PACIFIC RIM (MA/VD) $5
PAIN & GAIN (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
PARENTAL GUIDANCE (MA) $5
PATERNO (VUDU OR ITUNES)
PATRIOTS DAY 2017 (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
PEANUT BUTTER FALCON-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
PEPPERMINT (ITUNES) $2
PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER-THE (VUDU)
PET CEMETERY 2019 (SPLIT) (VUDU 4K $7 VUDU $5 OR $4 ITUNES 4K)
PETERPAN 1953 (GP) $6
PHOENIX FORGOTTEN (VUDU OR ITUNES)
PHOTOGRAPH-THE (MA) $8
PIRATE FAIRY (SPLIT) (MA $7 OR GP $6)
PIRATES O.T.C DMTNT GP $2
PITCH PERFECT 2 (MA/VUDU)
PLANES (GP) $5
PLAYING WITH FIRE (VUDU $5 OR ITUNES $4)
POCAHONTAS 2 (SPLIT) (MA$7 OR GP $6)
POST-THE (MA)
PREDATOR-THE (2018) (MA)
PURGE ELECTION YEAR-THE (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
QUARRY-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES) $7
QUIET PLACE-A (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
RACE (2016) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
RALPH BREAKS THE INTERNET (SPLIT) (GP$4)
RAMBO LAST BLOOD 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
RAMPAGE (MA) HD
READY PLAYER ONE (MA)
RICHARD JEWELL SD (MA) $5
RIDE LIKE A GIRL (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
RINGS (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
RIOT (2016) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
ROBIN HOOD 2018 (VUDU OR ITUNES) $6
ROBOCOP (2014) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
ROCKETMAN (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
ROUGE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $7
ROUGE WARFARE (VUDU $6 OR ITUNES $4)
RUN THE RACE (MA) $5
RUSH 2013 (VUDU) $5
RUSSELL MADNESS (MA)
RHYTHM SECTION-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $7
SAME KIND OF DIFFERENT AS ME (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
SCARY STORIES TO TELL IN THE DARK 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
SCOOB! (MA 4K $10)
SECOND ACT (ITUNES)
SECRET: DARE TO DREAM-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
SECRET GARDEN-THE (ITUNES 4K) $7
SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY-THE (MA)
SERENITY 2019 (MA) $5
SHAFT (2019) (VUDU) $5
SHALLOWS-THE (MA) $5
SHERLOCK HOLMES (2009) MA/VD
SHERLOCK HOLMES (2011) MA/VD
SICARIO 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $6
SILENCING-THE (VD OR ITUNE5 4K) $7
SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK (ITUNES)
SING (VUDU) OR (ITUNES 4K*PORTS IN 4K)
SKYSCRAPER (MA)
SLEEPING BEAUTY 1959 (SPLIT) (GP $6)
SLEEPLESS (SPLIT) (VD OR ITUNES)
SNATCHED (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
SNOWMAN-THE (2017) (MA) $7
SNOW WHITE & THE 7 DWARFS (1937) (SPLIT) (MA OR ITUNES $7) OR GP $6
SOLO:A STAR WARS STORY (GP) $6
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (VUDU 4K $9 OR VUDU OR ITUNES 4K $7
SON OF GOD (MA)
SPACE JAM (1996) (MA) $7
SPARE PART 2015 (VUDU)
SPELL (VD HD OR ITUNES 4K) $8
SPIDERMAN 3 (2007) (MA)
SPIES IN DISGUISE (SPLIT) (GP $6)
SPLIT (2017) (SPLIT) (ITUNES 4K)
STAR TREK BEYOND (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
STAR WARS #7 THE FORCE AWAKENS (SPLIT) (GP $6)
STAR WARS #8 THE LAST JEDI (SPLIT) (GP $6)
STAR WARS #9 RISE OF SKYWALKER (SPLIT) (MA 4K $7 GP $6)
STAR WARS ROUGE ONE (SPLIT) (GP $6)
STRANGERS PREY AT NIGHT (MA)
SUICIDE SQUAD (MA) $5
SUPERMAN MAN OF TOMMOROW (MA) $7
SUPERMAN RED SON (MA) $7
SWING OF THINGS (VUDU OR ITUNES) $7
TAMMY (MA)
TANGLED (GP) $6
TED 2 UNRATED (SPLIT) (VD OR ITUNES)
TENET (MA 4K $10 OR HD $8)
TERMINATOR DARK FATE (VUDU 4K $7 OR VUDU $5 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
THAT AKWARD MOMENT (MA) $7
THE 33 (MA)
THE INTERVIEW (2014) (MA)
THOR #1 (SPLIT) MA/ITUNES 4K $8 OR GP $5)
THOR RAGNAROK (SPLIT) MA HD OR ITUNES 4K $7 OR GP $4
THREE BILLBOARDS OUTSIDE OF E.M (MA)
TOTAL RECALL 4K (1990) (VUDU OR ITUNES) $7
TOY STORY 4 (SPLIT) MA/ITUNES 4K $8 OR MA HD $6 OR GP HD $5
TRANSCENDENCE (VD)
TRANSFORMERS (#5) (SPLIT) (ITUNES 4K)
TROLLS (MA)
TROLLS 1 & 2 (MA) $12
TROLLS WORLD TOUR (MA) $8
TRUE DETECTIVE S3 (SPLIT) (VUDU $5 OR ITUNES $4)
TURNING-THE (MA) $8
TYLER'S PERRY'S A MEADA CHRISTMAS (VUDU)
TYLER PERRY'S MADEA'S WITNESS PROTECTION (VUDU)
TYLER PERRY'S TEMPTATION: CONFESSION OF A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR (VUDU)
UNBROKEN (2014) (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
UNBROKEN: PATH TO REDEEMTION (MA) $5
UNCUT GEMS (VUDU OR ITUNES) $5
UNCUT GEMS (VUDU) $8
UNDERWATER (MA) $8
UNFRIENDED:DARK WEB (MA) $8
UNHINGED (VD) $7
UPSIDE-THE (ITUNES)
US (MA)
VANISHED-THE (VUDU OR ITUNES) $6
VICE (MA)
WALL-E: (GP $6)
WAR DOGS (2016) (MA)
WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES(SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
WATCHMEN S1 (VUDU) $10
WAY BACK-THE (MA) $7
WHAT MEN WANT (SPLIT) VUDU $4 OR ITUNES $3)
WHY HIM (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
WIDOWS (MA) ($4)
WOLF OF SNOW HOLLOW (VD) SD $7
WONDER PARK (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
WONDER WOMAN (MA)
WORLD WAR Z (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
XXX R. O Xander CAGE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
YOUNG MESSIAH-THE (MA)
PAYMENTS ACCEPTED
+PAYPAL FRIENDS & FAMILY +CASH APP +VENMO +GOOGLE PAY +APPLE PAY
SECONDARY LIST BELOW
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cZ9CqHTNJ14wo7H80BkSi4nTZHOf-4eBxnCtJjYAk48/edit?usp=drivesdk

(SELLING) FREAKY + GREENLAND 4K + LOVE WEDDINGS & OTHER DISASTERS + BREACH + JU JITSU + TENET 4K + ECHO BOOMERS + WOLF OF SNOW HOLLOW + IRON MASK + NEW MUTANTS + UNHINGED + ANTEBELLUM 4K + MULAN ++ MANY MORE. ALSO CHECK OUT MY SECONDARY LIST. LINK AT BOTTOM OF MY PRIMARY LIST. THANKS FOR LOOKING ;-)

All codes are HD unless listed otherwise.
All codes are $4 Each unless price listed.
10 MINUTES GONE (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
101 DALMATIANS (GP) $6
12 STRONG (MA)
13 HOURS: THE SECRET SOLDIERS OF BENGHAZI VUDU HD $4
1917 (MA) $6
21 BRIDGES (ITUNES 4K) $6
3 FROM HELL (VUDU OR ITUNES)
300 RISE OF AN EMPIRE (MA)
3022 (SPLIT) (VUDU $6 OR ITUNES $4)
ACTION POINT (SPLIT) ITUNES $3
ADAM'S FAMILY (ITUNES 4K) $8
ADRIFT (ITUNES)
ADVENTURES OF TIN TIN-THE (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
ALADDIN 2019 (MA 4K $8)
ALIEN (1979) MA 4K ($5)
ALIEN COVENANT (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K PORTS)
ALMOST CHRISTMAS (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES)
AMERICAN MADE (MA) $5
AMERICAN REUNION (UNDATED) (2012) (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES
AMERICAN SNIPER (MA) $5
A MILLION WAYS TO DIE IN THE WEST (UNRATED) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
ANGEL HAS FALLEN 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
ANNIE (2014) (MA) (SD)
ANNIHILATION (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K)
ANTEBELLUM 4K (VUDU OR ITUNES) $10
APPARITION-THE (MA) 2012
AQUAMAN (MA) $5
AGRO (MA/VUDU)
ARRIVAL (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES 4K
ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN-THE (MA) $7
ATOMIC BLONDE (SPLIT) VUDU 4K $6 OR VUDU HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
AVENGERS ENDGAME (SPLIT) MA(HD)/ITUNES 4K $7 OR (GP $5)
AVENGERS I.W (SPLIT) (MA $6 OR GP $5)
ARKANSAS (VUDU OR ITUNES) $5
BACK TO THE FUTURE 3-MOVIE (MA/HD) 10.25
BACK TO THE FUTURE 3-MOVIE (MA/4K) $15
BACKDRAFT 2 (MA)
BAD MOMS CHRISTMAS-A (ITUNES)
BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYAL (MA) $5
BALLERS S2 (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
BALLERS S3 (SPLIT) (VUDU OR ITUNES)
BARBER SHOP THE NEXT CUT (VUDU)
BATMAN HUSH (MA) $5
BATMAN: SOUL OF THE DRAGON (MA) $8
BATMAN V. SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE (MA)
BAYWATCH (SPLIT) (VUDU 4K $5 OR VD HD $4 OR ITUNES 4K $4)
BEAUTY & THE BEAST (LIVE) (SPLIT) MA $4 OR GP $2
BEGUILED (MA)
BEST OF ENEMIES-THE (ITUNES)
BIG WEDDING-THE (VUDU)
BILL & TED FACE THE MUSIC (VD $$6.50)
BIRDS OF PREY (MA) 4K $9 OR HD $7
BLACK CHRISTMAS (MA) $7
BLACK PANTHER (SPLIT) (MA(HD)/🍏4K $7 OR GP $6)
BLINDED BY THE LIGHT (SD) (MA) $2
BLOODSHOT (MA) $8
BODY CAM (VUDU OR ITUNES 4K) $7
BOOK CLUB (ITUNES 4K) $2
BOSS BABY-THE (MA)
BOY 2-THE (ITUNES 4K) $6.50
BOYHOOD (VUDU OR ITUNES)
BRAVE (SPLIT) (MA $7 OR GP $6)
BREACH (VD OR ITUNES) $9
BREAKING IN (MA)
BREAKTHROUGH (MA) $6
BREACH (VUDU OR ITUNES) $10
BRIDESMAIDS (VUDU OR ITUNES)
BUDDY GAMES (VUDU OR ITUNES) $8
BUGS LIFE-A (SPLIT) (MA $7 OR GP $6)
BUMBLEBEE (SPLIT) (VUDU 4K $6 OR VUDU $4 OR ITUNES 4K) $2
BUTTONS A CHRISTMAS TALE (SPLIT) VUDU OR ITUNES
BYE BYE MAN (UNRATED) (SPLIT) (ITUNES)
CALL OF THE WILD (SPLIT) (MA) 4K $9, HD $6 OR GP $3)
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PAYMENTS ACCEPTED
+PAYPAL FRIENDS & FAMILY +CASH APP +VENMO +GOOGLE PAY +APPLE PAY
SECONDARY LIST BELOW
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cZ9CqHTNJ14wo7H80BkSi4nTZHOf-4eBxnCtJjYAk48/edit?usp=drivesdk

OBLIGATORY FILLER MATERIAL – Giving thanks edition: Kickin’ around Caracas, Pt. 5

Continuing… (It's Part 6 in the saga, I fucked up. Sorry.)
So, after a few re-fueling and impromptu cigar-purchasing stops in South and Central America, we wheel up to the deserted jetway at LAX.
“Thought we were going to Elmendorf?” I asked.
“This isn’t it?” the pilot replied, feigning worry.
“No.”, I replied, “Looks like California. Fruits and nuts. All around. What’s going on? One minute we’re off to Texas, then Cali, then Texas again, now we end up here at the California airport of the iconic tower.”
“Yeah, it’s confusing enough haulin’ civilians around. But when we get a call from Virginia, we tend to comply without any questions,” the pilot explains.
“Aw, shit!”, I sort of exclaim, “Rack and Ruin called?”
“Yeah”, the pilot replies, “Figures you’d know these guys. They said they were closer to LAX rather than Texas and had us divert here. In fact, you look over there, see that dark blue Chevy? That’s them; and evidently, your ride.”
I tipped the airman from earlier a couple of cigars as he helped me with my gear off the plane and into the trunk of Rack and Ruin’s plain-Jane blue late modeled Chevy. Had to move the Sidewinder Missiles off to one side, though.
“Most honorable Agents Lack and Luin!” I quipped in my faux-racist greeting. “What the hell, guys? I’ve got to get to Japan and get some newly rigidified digits.”
“Let’s see your hand”, Agent Rack asks. “Nasty.”
“Yeah”, I sigh “And with the medicos in South America and their penchant for plaster, I don’t so much have a left hand as more of an ankylosaur tail.”
“Or Thagomizer”, Agent Ruin tittered. “Anyone gives you grief, and one upside the head should set them right. Or dead.”
“You’re a riot, Ruin.” I replied, “But not entirely incorrect.”
We all agreed that I really didn’t need any extra accouterments to make myself look more dangerous. I mean with my severe haircut, stern beard clip, and perpetual ‘Go fuck yourself’ scowl.
“Yeah”, I replied, stroking the aforementioned beard, “I just can’t get that. I’m such a people person.”
After Agents Rack and Ruin finished drying their eyes from laughing what I thought was en extremis, we finally got down to business.
“So, what’s the skinny, guys”, I asked. “New marching orders?”
“No. Not as such”, Agent Ruin said, still sniggering over my ‘people person’ comment.
I see we’re moving. Agent Rack is just driving casually, like Chewbacca when they were waiting to see if the Empire went for that expensive Bothan code.
“Then, what?” I asked, getting a slight bit piqued.
“Well”, Agent Ruin noted, “When you went to South America, you took some of your artillery collection with, correct?”
“You know I did. You even made some snide comments about my personal choice of sidearms and their ‘excessive’ calibers, if memory serves”, I reiterated.
“And if you are proceeding normally, as you always do, they’re all nestled in the trunk of this very car. All cleaned, quiet, unloaded, and smelling sweetly of Hoppe’s Number 9 and WD 40, correct?” Rack inquired.
“Yes?” I cautiously venture.
“Well, ya’ big dummy, do you think they’re going to let you saunter into Tokyo armed like the Third Fleet?” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Um…well…I do have a Diplomatic Passport.” I ventured.
“That’s not going to work this time.”, Agent Ruin said, shaking his head. “They’re tighter than Dick’s Hatband about sidearms. Want to bring in your Rigby SXS .500 Nitro Express double rifle? Not a problem. Sidearms, especially in your alien hunting calibers, nope.”
Well, that’s just….*dandy!”, I reply, semi-put out. “Now what the hell am I going to do?”
“Ever think that’s why Ruin and I are here, now?”, Rack asks.
“And here I thought it was just so you could bask in the warm glow of my fucking wonderful personality. Or that you actually cared about me as a real goddamn human”, I joshed.
“Ummm…yeah”, Rack replies, “There’s no way we can answer that without going on some Deadpool list. “
I agreed.
“OK, here’s the deal: you get your sidearms, ammunition, speed loaders, brass knuckles, Asp, laser range finders, Sap, Zeiss scopes, Kukri, Wisconsin Cheese Whittler, Buck folding skinner, Marine K-Bar, those two ultra-illegal Cheburkov Cobra titanium switchblades...”
“Three. Olga the KGB lady sent me one for Geologist’s Day.”
“Ahem. Those three ultra-illegal Cheburkov switchblades, that Wyoming Speedholer, your MASER Time-Distance Computer, garrote, pocket rail gun and whatever else lethal you carry and deposit it in the iron box in the trunk. We’ll ensure that it’s delivered to Esme post-haste. And by post-haste I mean one of our guys will deliver it personally.”
“Well…I suppose”, I conceded, “But best send someone who’s been to the house recently. I don’t know how much bigger Khan has grown since I left on this little fantasy trip. Wouldn’t want a star on the wall in Langley for someone eaten by a mastiff. Want to see a picture….Oh, bother. That’s right. My phone’s at the bottom of fucking Lake Maracaibo.”
“Good point”, Ruin interjects, “Guess we’ll do a little road trip and deliver it ourselves. Best call Esme and let her know what’s going on.”
“I have no objections to your proposals. Please give Esme this when you see her. I had some luck in the Calaveras Casino and if I don’t send her some mad money. Ouch. She’ll never forgive me for not taking her along to Japan.” I asked.
“But I thought Esme hated Japan? Too crowded and too ‘fussy’, I believe was her estimation.” Ruin asked.
“Yes, but once she saw the Ginza, all bets were off. Shopping the likes of which even Allah himself hasn’t seen.” I replied, slowly shaking my head.
“I see”, Ruin said, “Well, since you’re off to Sapporo, perhaps you can do a recon for Esme on the shopping there.”
“Not bad. Not bad at all.”, I smiled, “Now I know why I let you guys hang around with me.”
So, as advertised, I am now standing on the tarmac at LAX, basically feeling naked.
“Can’t I keep just one switchblade?” I moaned to Agent Rack.
“Go ahead, if you’re really keen on donating it to Japanese customs”, he replied.
“Fuckbuckets.” I groused.
“There, there now. That’s the usual Dr. Rocknocker of which we’re all so fond.” Agent Ruin chuckled.
“Remember, you do have that wallet-sized credit card gizmo from the Company. So you’re not entirely ‘naked’. Think of it as an emergency breechcloth.” He smiled.
“I’d like a larger model if you don’t mind. It’s chilly out here.” I joshed.
After Agents Rack and Ruin stripped me metaphorically naked as they de-weaponized me, they handed me a Business Class ticket to Tokyo, and a pass to the Japan Airlines Hospitality Suite and Lounge.
“So sorry you guys can’t hang around and have a few farewell snorts”, I chided, “But you’ve got a bit of a drive, so best be off before the weather turns to shit.”
“Who says we’re driving?” Agent Rack asked as he hooked a thumb over his shoulder at the ready and waiting C-130 cargo plane currently taxiing slowly in our direction.
“Well, in that case”, I smiled even more broadly, “Let’s invite the flight crew to join us. That’ll make the flight home all that much more interesting.”
After near tear-jerking farewell sentimentalities, i.e., “Piss on you”, “Get stuffed” and “Take a fuckin’ hike”; Agents Rack and Ruin, my weapons and the Agency’s plain-Jane Blue Chevy were all nestled snugger than buggers in ruggers in the belly of the thundering C-130.
Now truly on my own, I trudge the hundred thousand or so centisteps to my departure terminal, make a quick recon that my flight’s still slated to go in a generally westward direction, and hightail it to the nearest courtesy desk to ask for a motorized cart to take me and my remaining luggage to the JAL Hospitality Suite.
Hey. I’m old, infirm, and currently among the walking wounded.
Anyone that disagrees risks an Ankylosaur tail club swat or Thagomizer to the skull.
Finally ensconced in the JAL Hospitality Suite, Polo Lounge of course; I was drinking Tokyo Teas (3 oz. vodka, 2 oz. gin, 2 oz. rum, 1 oz. triple sec, 1 oz. Midori, good splash of lime juice, a slight splash of 7-Up (diet, of course), over ice with a lime wheel) with Pabst Blue Ribbon Extra 1844 chasers and Hangar One’s “Fog Point” vodka on the side, hiding from the brutish realities of this foul year of two thousand and twenty-something, Common Era…
I’ve already called Esme and we’ve had a good, long chat. She still managed to give me her shopping list for whenever I find myself bored on the Ginza.
She’ll be shocked when she learns that I’m not going to be in Tokyo long, but have 1st class tickets on the Bullet Train to Sapporo. Still, I’ll probably find myself in Pole Town or the Stellar Place there, trading piles of US greenbacks for locally produced Japanese curios and clothing.
I can hardly wait.
I order another round of drinks, as the wonderful attendants in the Hospitality Suite were bored out of their skulls because of the COVID-induced drop-in customers flying anywhere that requires a hospitality room stay, and I was virtually the only one around. They tried their level best to outdo each other when it comes to Japanese efficiency and friendliness.
After a couple of hours, they ask if I would like something from the grill, as the day chef had “the COVID” and the night chef just arrived. A quick perusal of the menu and I chose a 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse and another round of drinks.
I usually don’t like to eat too much before I fly, but JAL tells me the flight is going to be virtually empty, something like <121 pax, all told, so restroom availability shouldn’t be too much of a concern.
Plus, who am I to say no to a free, blue 28-ounce dry-aged Porterhouse?
There was a bit of difficulty conveying to the chef through the intermediaries of the hospitality just how I wanted my steak.
“Blue,” I said.
“Brue?” was the reply.
“Rare. Very, very rare.” I continued.
Look of total bewilderment.
I drag out my Personal Language Pro, speak “Steak, very, very rate” into the infernal gizmo, and hand the contraption to the attendant.
“珍しい、非常に珍しいステーキ?”[ Mezurashī, hijō ni mezurashī sutēki?]
“Raw! Nama!” I say, louder than need be.
They toddle off to find the chef.
“How is it sir, that you would like your steak cooked?” he asks.
“Very rare. Just a minute or two per side. Inside still cold.” I instructed.
All I got for the trouble was a puzzled smile.
“Give me the language gizmo…” I type in a few words…
“お尻を洗い、角をノックオフして、ここから出してください”
[O shiri o arai,-kaku o nokkuofu shite, koko kara dashite kudasai.]
“Wash its ass, knock its horns off, and walk it out here.”
“OH!” as the lightbulb pops. “Rare. Got it! Excellent!” the chef laughs and zips back to the kitchen.
Like I always say, I’m nothing if not the international ambassador of amity and goodwill.
“Crack tubes!”
Dinner was fantastic. I do wish I could have somehow mailed the Porterhouse bone back home for Khan. After that hambone incident, he might even taste it.
Finally on the plane, in an almost empty Business Class, the flight captain informs us that we’re headed to Haneda Airport Tokyo and anyone not headed in that direction better ‘haul ass off’ the flight or forever hold their peace.
Late-night international flights tend to be a bit more wooly than your average Chicago to Omaha gig.
Especially when the flight’s damn near empty and we have the next 12 hours or so to be best friends.
We taxi, turn and head into the wind. I’m doctoring up a couple of dossiers and keeping my personal cabin attendant, Luna since there were two of us in Business and two business flight attendants, busy with her trying to play ‘Stump the Geologist’.
“I’ll bet you never had this before.” She beamed and handed me a tumbler of very dangerous-looking brown liquor.
I cautiously sniff, take a modest gulp, swirl and glug the rest down.
“Ohishi Single Sherry Cask”, I say with a muffled belch. “Light. Fruity. An Englishman’s drink.”
“Oh. You knew. Let me try again.” She smiles beatifically.
“I have no objections to your proposal.” I smile as nicely as this crotchety old Komodo Dragon could.
She returns with another flagon of spirits; it smells of obsidian, leather, and earth.
I just had some of this back in LAX. I take a snort, smile, and shotgun the rest.
“Hibiki Japanese Harmony…lovely stuff.” I smile. “A little light for my jaded palate, but I’d never turn it down if it were free.”
“Oh, you win again. Wait. One more.” She smiles and skitters off to the galley.
She returns with another soupçon of some more dangerous brown liquor.
“Here, try this. It will make you very popular at social gatherings”. She smiles.
Sniff. “Splendid.” Snort. Swirl. Smile. Shotgun.
“Kanosuke New Born, if I’m not mistaken.” I smile back. “Very nice. I really do like this one.”
“You too good at this. One more!” she stands and stomps off defiantly. She returns in a trice and hands me the glass.
“Hmm…brown. Light notes of earth, leather, dating your daughter, and Kentucky…
“Beam Suntory, right?”
“You know them all!” she says, feigning irritation.
“And I thank you. Those were all excellent. Now, anything in the dangerous clear liquor category? I asked.
Luna smiled as I palmed off a 20k yen tip.
“Oh, no sir. Wait until we land.” She demurred, referring to the gratuity; which is know is not de rigueur in the Orient, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“Just in case we never make it to Tokyo”, I laughed, unknowingly presciently.
We both chuckled about that last line as she tried out various sakes and shōchūs and an actual Japanese ‘White Liquor’ (ホワイトリカー), which were all excellent as was the company.
I tell her that I need to get some work done and could she bring me a tall Rocknocker. After explain the origins and construction of the eponymous drink, she brings me one that must tip the scales at 1 or so liters.
She settles down to an empty seat and I get after the work that I need to finish before we land. I’m about ½ way through my drink when it felt as if the plane hit a brick wall. She quivered and quaked and clutched at herself while I made some comments about the pilot’s mental health.
We dropped like a paralyzed falcon, then just as suddenly, felt like it was an express elevator to Angel’s 11. The plane bucked and shimmied, wickedly. Then we slam-danced right and fell a few more stories. It was like we were in a Mixmaster and the owner was trying out every speed.
The emergency lights in the 777-300ER popped on, and the fasten seat belt sign barked loudly so even sleeping travelers could enjoy the show.
Rinse. Spin. Shudder. Repeat.
Finally, the ride smooths out and we hear the captain on the blower.
“This is your captain speaking…ah, we seem to have hit some uncharted turbulence back there.”
“Thanks, Captain Obvious”, I muttered.
“Everything’s A-OK. “ he reports.
“That’s good”, I note.
“But…”
“There’s always the but…” I groan.
“…we have a couple of warning lights for which we can’t quite account. So to just be safe and certain, we’re going to divert to Hawaii, get a clean bill of health and resume this flight once we make sure everything here is hunky-dory.”
There were scattered groans and applause. Add them together and divide by two and the average response on the flight was “Meh. Whatever.”
Except for the other guy in Business, with whom I hadn’t shared two words. He began to absolutely lose his shit.
“Oh, man! We’re so screwed! Mechanical malfunction? What does that mean?” he positively fizzed with fear.
The flight attendants tried to calm him down, to no avail. They basically gave up and said they’d report his misgivings to the Captain.
I motioned over to my personal flight attendant, Luna, and asked if I could be of service.
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled at me, “If you could speak with him. You are so calm, and he is…”
“Losing his bloody mind”, I chuckled as I finished her sentence for her. “Of course, I’ll take a stab at it.”
So, I grab my drink and ease over to my Business Class partner and introduce myself.
“Hey, pal. How’s it going? I’m Dr. Rock, gentleman, scholar, and connoisseur of cigars and things alcoholic. You doing OK?”
He looks at me with an ashen face and his eyes the size of bloodshot dinner plates.
“Yeah. I’m Todd Schotts. I’m flying to Japan for business.” He mumbles
“No surprise there,” I reply calmly and take a slug of my drink.
“But now we’re all going to die. The plane is busted and we’ll crash…” he started off again.
“So, Todd is it? Good. You drink?” I asked.
“Yeah?”, he stammered back.
I asked Luna to make us a fresh batch of my eponymous cocktails.
“OK, Todd, listen up”, I began after the drinks were served, “I have flown literally millions of miles over the last 4 decades. On Aeroflot when it was still the USSR. On TACA (Take A Chance Airways), on Chalk’s in the Caribbean, on Bob’s Verrifast Plane Company in Rhodesia, on regional carriers that don’t even exist anymore. All over the world. Had some bad experiences flying, and me ol’ mugger, this ain’t one of them. This is nothing more than the glitch for this mission.”
I chuckled lightly and complimented Luna on a fantastic drink.
“Yeah…yeah…yeah…but we have to land and check out some lights…” Todd squealed.
“Well now, Todd. It would be rather difficult to do any external assessment while in flight, don’t you agree?” I asked.
“But we’re diverting. We have to land and that adds more risk. We’re going to crash and die!” he was coming more and more unglued.
“I will bet you every cent you have on your person and home bank accounts that that will not happen”, I chuckled.
That took him by surprise. At least it shut him up for a while.
“Look, Todd. This is Boeing’s latest model. They have the most incredible safety record. And if a little clear air turbulence were to be knocking planes out of the sky, don’t you think we’d hear about it as the press went berserk?” I asked.
“But they don’t know what the lights mean! What if one of the engines’s out? How far can we fly on one engine?” Todd stuttered.
Having my fill of a supposedly grown man with inane childlike fears, I calmly replied,
“All the way to the crash site.”
He went white.
“...hope we hit something hard. I don’t want to limp away from this.”
He went limp.
Then I went to my seat and motioned for Luna to prepare a reload.
Of course, 45 minutes later, we land without incident at Daniel K. Inouye International Airport, Honolulu Hawaii.
We were told to just wait around until they figure out what the problem if any, was.
They had officials waiting at the end of the jetway to check our COVID status and passports before they let us loose in the terminal.
I asked Luna if she knew this airport. She noted that she did.
“Is there a JAL hospitality room here at this airport? I asked.
“Yes, Doctor. It’s the Sakura Lounge. It is located on the third level above The Local, Terminal 2.” She replied.
“Please notify whoever needs to know that that’s where I’ll be for the duration”, I smiled and handed her my business card. “See you soon, I hope.”
“Oh, Dr. Rock”, she replied, “I am sure it is nothing much. We’ll be back in the air within mere hours.”
“Well then”, I smiled, “Guess I’d better get ready to hoof it to the lounge.”
“Oh, Doctor Rock”, she smiled, “No rush. I will call for you a courtesy cart. You are injured, you are Business, you are priority.”
“I love that Asian efficiency.” I smiled back and toddled down the jetway.
At the terminus of the jetway, I show my COVID-clear papers, dates and times of my Anti-Virus vaccine administrations, the letter from Virginia clearing me of all detention, and my red Russian diplomatic passport.
While in the cart, whizzing our way to the JAL lounge, the driver said “Man! You must be some kind of VIP. You were through that welcoming committee in less than two minutes!”
“Me? Nah!”, I chuckled, “Just an old phart of a geologist that they didn’t want to mess with. Not on such a bright, sunny day as this.”
“I see you’re not wearing a mask.” The driver quipped.
“Very observant. There are reasons for that.” I replied.
He careens around a corner and if this were a normal pre-Covid day, I’m certain we’d have killed hundreds. However, the airport, as I’ve come to grow accustomed to, was virtually deserted.
“Yeah? Like what?” he asks.
“Well, Scooter, 1. I have an active and hardworking immune system that I let off the chain every once in a while for exercise. Got to let it know what it’s up against, right? 2. I’ve had all my shots and some that were experimental. They seem to have worked. And 3. I find it difficult to drink and smoke cigars while wearing a mask. However, if you’d prefer, I will mask up. No problem, though it still is optional.”
“Nah, man”, he said, “I was just wondering if you were one of those religious idiots or conspiracy nuts.”
Nope”, I smiled back, “Just another geologist out in the world plying his trade for cash. Y’know, whorin’ around for money.”
He laughs aloud as we skid to a stop right in front of Lounge.
I slip the guy a $20 and ask if he’d listen for the JAL flight I was just on. If we’re going on ahead today, I’d need him to scoot by and putt-putt me back to the plane.
He laughs and pockets the $20 as quick as a mink ruts.
“No worries. I’ll just hang around this area. I hear anything about the flight, I’ll come and let you know.” He grins.
“Good man”, I say, as I hand him my card. “I’m Dr. Rocknocker. Call me Rock”.
“And I’m Kapula Mano, call me Kap” he replies.
“Good man”, I say again, “Hope to see you in a while.”
He grins, floors his electric cart, and peels out at speeds approaching 4.5 MPH.
I wander into the lounge, show my credentials, and am escorted to a post up on Mahogany Ridge.
The bar is very quiet. Besides the bartender, I can’t see anyone else in the darkened and Smooth Jazz-infused drinking emporium.
I order a local drink, a Mai Tai, just for the experience and something a bit different.
It’s served in a goldfish bowl on a stem, bedecked with a slice of lime, a sprig of mint, a stick of sugar cane, a polychromatic orchid, and the obligate paper umbrella.
“Ah. Mai Tai. I will enjoy it.” I said to no one in particular.
One was enough, and I decided to go back to the old standard. Once I explained to the bartender what that was, he made them heroic and enthusiastically.
I’m reading up on a random dossier, making notes in a new file, and puffing away on a Fuentes Onyx double Maduro Churchill cigar.
I hear a slight cough coming from my right, and this here lovely lady, she sat to my immediate starboard and looked at me semi-quizzically.
Not in the mood for shenanigans of any stripe, I give her the obligate Baja Canada nod and tilt of the drink. I return to my dossiers and continue to read and take notes.
“Excuse me!” I hear.
Fearing the worst, either the woman is Karen-oid anti-smoking or a religious fruit-and-nutburger, I slowly turn to face her and reply, somewhat glacially, I have to admit.
“What?”
“That cigar…”
“Here we go…” I mutter, eyes rolling northward.
“Smells exquisite. Could you tell me the brand? My husband would enjoy some like that.” She notes.
Instantly my demeanor switches 180^0.
“Yes, ma’am. It’s an Arturo Fuentes Onyx. Churchill size, or 60 ring x 7” length, double Maduro. Here, take one for your husband. I have an ample supply.” I smile.
“Oh, no. I couldn’t. Could I?” she asks.
“Please. I insist.” I smile the best I could given the circumstances.
“Thank you. You’re too kind…umm…Mr….?”
“Doctor. Doctor Rocknocker. World traveler, oilman, and international ambassador of amity, good drinks, and fine cigars. Call me Rock” I said.
“Oh! A Doctor?” she brightens.
“Yes, of Petroleum Geology and Engineering. Not medicine.” I chuckle.
She chuckles back.
“And I am Hella Aaberg”, as she offers her hand for a quick shake.
“Interesting name, Hella. Scandinavian or Old German heritage?” I ask.
“On my father’s side. He’s Finnish.” She replies.
“But I’ll wager your mother is not Scandinavian, correct?” I ask.
“She was from Truk, an island…”
“In the South Pacific, Micronesia. Was she from Weno city?” I asked.
“Why yes. How could you possibly know that?” she asked.
“Oh, I’ve been there. Great diving amongst the WWII wrecks. I think it’s actually called ‘Chuuk Lagoon’ or something like that now.” I said.
“That’s right! Amazing. Where else have you been?” she asked.
“Anywhere there’s oil, strife, booze, cigars, heavy explosives and typically long distances from whatever most normal people call civilization,” I replied with a chuckle.
Suddenly, I hear a voice booming out behind me.
“Why don’t you save that rapier-like wit for those musky-fuckers back home, Rocko?”
My expression changes. My eyes pop fully wide open.
“Hella?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“May I ask you a favor?”
“You can ask…”
“Thank you. Now, looking over my shoulder, is there a hulking goon of a person, thin up top, paunchy halfway down with the most ridiculously tiny sized shoes you’ve ever seen for a so-called grown man?” I ask.
“Yes. Yes, there is.” She replies.
“I thought so. Many thanks.”
I spin and launch off my barstool and grab Toivo by the hand. He hadn’t seen my left-hand Thagomizer yet.
“Toivo! You old sumbitch. What the flying fennec fox fuck are you, of all people, doing in Hawaii?” I laughed.
“Just keeping an eye on you, Rock!” he laughed equally as loud.
“No, fucking-A, seriously. What the actual fuck? What are you doing in this actual nice place?” I asked.
“Just headed to Tokyo to conduct a bit of service company business. I walked into the lounge and smelled a foul cigar. I figured it can’t be the venerable Dr. Rocknocker. He’s back at some school up north terrorizing geology and engineering grads and undergrads.” Toivo laughed.
“But there I was. Surprise!”, I laughed and pumped his hand.
“What the fuck, Rock. Now what did you do?” he asks, referring to my Ankylosaur tail club left hand.
“Ah, fuck. Long story. Oh, pardon me. Toivo, this is Hella. We were just talking about the South Seas Islands.” I said.
“Planning on running off together?” Toivo laughs, to the amusement of neither party.
“Oh, and this idiot is Toivo, a man with a congenital foot-in-mouth disorder. He’s mostly harmless.” I noted to Hella.
Greetings were shared all around. Hella made some small excuses and said she needed to depart. I gave her another cigar for her husband, shook her hand, and wished her well.
“Here’s my business card. If your husband has any questions, have him drop me a line.” I noted.
Hella smiled beautifully. She said she would. Then she thanked me shook our hands, and like that, there she was, gone.
“Well Toivo, you old bastard. Don't just stand there in the doorway like some lonesome goddamn mouse shit sheepherder, get your ass over here and have a drink.” I motioned over to my perch on Mahogany Ridge.
“Don’t mind if I do”, he says as he deftly winds his way to a seat to my left, snagging a cigar out of my pocket on the way over.
“You might want these”, I say in an exasperated tone, and hand him my gold Dunhill Hobnail lighter and V-cutter gizmo.
He cuts and fires up his heater.
“What you drinkin’, Rock”, he asks.
“Anything with alcohol, as usual. You know that Toiv.” I reply.
“No. I mean right now.” He clarifies.
“Well, I had a Mai Tai. Very nice if you like fruity, flowery drinks. It’s the locals’ favorite.” I reply.
“Sounds good. I’ll have several. And you?” Toivo asks.
“My usual. The bartender is already apprised of the situation.” I reply.
Toivo smiles the smile of one knowing his sobriety is going to be taken out for a swim. Hell, taken out and tossed into the deep end.
Toivo and I sit there, swapping lies, smoking cigars and sipping at our toddies.
Hell, Toivo was slurping them like a sump-pump during an extra-wet summer.
We chattered about family, work, whether or not Tokyo was going to host the Olympics or if the COVID-boogie man scared everyone off.
Toivo, always one afflicted with TB (“Tiny Bladder”) got up to go to the loo for the third time that hour. He left his pocket organizer on the bar and I swear on a stack of Origins of Species, I didn’t touch it.
I reached over to his vacated seat to retrieve my cigar lighter when I looked down and saw in his organizer a tab that reads “Rack & Ruin”.
“Oh. No. Fucking. Way.” I recoiled as I’d just reached out and petted a 6-foot hungover scorpion.
“One of my best friends? Secretly allied with the Agency? No. Not possible.” I drained my drink and called for another.
“No. No. No. It can’t be. No. No fucking way…” as doubt began to dissolve when I thought back to all those times I had just ‘run into’ Toivo.
“But he’s oil patch as well. That could be chalked up to coincidence.” I ruminated quizzically in my brain.
I quickly reflected back on J.M. Darhower: “Yes, you see, there’s no such thing as coincidence. There are no accidents in life. Everything that happens is the result of a calculated move that leads us to where we are.”
She may be the author of the execrable New Adult Sempre series, which Esme likes and I loathe, but she might just be right on this occasion.
Toivo return, lighter in the bladder and good sense. He never even noticed he’d left his organizer out in broad bar light for all to see.
“So, Toivo, when’s your flight?” I ask.
“Oh, man. Was I lucky. The JAL flight to Tokyo from Los Angeles had mechanical trouble and had to divert here. I got a ticket on the plane for that flight, when it continues.
“You mean ‘if it continues’,” I replied.
“Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I meant. Hey! Was that your flight?” he asks innocently. He’s really innocent of fieldcraft.
I decide to have some fun at my old friend’s expense.
“Yep. Hit some CAT (Clear Air Turbulence) and the JAL pilots reported some lighting problem. No apparent ruin to any of the systems. They relay racked their brains to figure it out, but they couldn’t that’s why I here.” I said, waiting for the words to swim upstream in Toivo’s coconut and make some sort of connection.
“Yeah. Double lucky. No problem with the plane and I get to go to Japan early.” Toivo crookedly grins.
“So, no trouble with the plane? Then why haven’t I heard that the flight’s going to resume?” I asked as I pushed a fresh, seriously strong drink to Toivo.
“Oh, must have heard it in the john.” Toivo countered and tried to cover his tracks by taking a huge gulp of his drink and damn near dying coughing.
I pound on Toivo’s back.
“Heimlich time?” I ask.
Toivo signals ‘no’.
“Jesus Christ, Rock. What was that?” he asks.
“Just my usual”, I innocently replied.
“Holy fuck. No wonder you have the reputation of…” Toivo realizes too late that he’s said too much.
“Yeah. They can rack you out. Really ruin a person if they’re not careful.” I reply icily.
“Why, Rock. Whatever do you mean?” Toivo slurred as he realized he’s been caught out.
“The jig is up, you turncoat. You know Agents Rack and Ruin from the agency. Right? You keeping tabs on me for them? You Quisling! You Benedict Arnold!” I almost was on the verge of losing my cool.
“It was nothing. They approached me years ago as I kept being mentioned in your reports. They asked me for some information. One thing leads to another…” Toivo was ready for an Ankylosaur tail club swat to the bean.
“Oh, put your fucking hands down, you asshole.” I smiled and chuckled.
“You’re not mad?” Toivo slurred badly. I had the bartender make him another special drink.
“No, Toivo. Not mad. Just disappointed.” I said, smiling like a Komodo Dragon just finishing up a fortnight-old wildebeest.
Toivo sat there and puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore.
“You’re not going to kill me or anything rude like that?” Toivo asked, half-assedly trying to inject humor into the proceedings.
“Nah. The paperwork’s too ridiculous for me to do another liberation. But, Jesus Fucking Christwagons, Toivo; you could have mentioned it to me. Fuck, I thought we were friends to the end?” I said, dejectedly.
I was really getting through to Toivo. I could tell he was loaded; feeling like shit and massively deplorable.
Great fieldcraft, indeed.
I told him things “are what they are” and that I won’t blow his cover nor his honorarium.
He began to feel better. I often wonder if he was serious about the sanctioning thing.
Then I delivered the strategic missile strike.
“Just remember, Toivo. I wrote your dossier for the Company…”
He swivels to look at me.
“And one for the KGB. Olga says ‘howdy’.” I grin evilly.
Toivo short-circuited at that. Russia is his company’s bread and butter. Now he has the KGB as well as his best buddy looking over his shoulder at every move.
I bought him a few more drinks and continued to needle him about his ’leading a double life’. He was well and truly fuckered when the electric tap-tap driver from before came looking for me to whisk me back to the plane.
Seems it was simply some knocked-out wires on the plane, or slammed bulbs that were generating a false positive, indicating something other than the system that alerts one to something haywire went haywire.
Toivo was pretty much down for the count. I got him sober enough to hand them his ticket and ensure that he was really supposed to be on this flight. Thing was; h e was in Economy, and I was, as always, in Business.
I spoke to Luna, and the plane was going to be even less crowded than previously because some folks could or wouldn’t wait, or didn’t want to go on with the rest of the trip on a ‘damaged’ aircraft, or were just stupid and superstitious.
“Luna, could I pay for the difference between Business and Economy for my less than 100% conscious friend here? He’s had a rough day.” I asked.
“Dr. Rock. Just put him into Business. No one will be the wiser. Luna says so.” As she gave us a grand smile.
“Luna, I owe you. Thanks so much.” I said.
“Now get on board. Your friend looks like he needs all the downtime he can get.”
“Yes, ma’am!” I said and saluted here be best I could which dragging a schnozzled Toivo down the jetway.
I dumped Toivo in a window seat well away from my seat. I know Toivo. He snores like a semi-load of live hogs rocketing downhill locking up the brakes at 88 MPH.
Surprise! There was no one else in Business. Luna looked at me, at Toivo, and gave me a thumbs up.
Whatever I can write to further her career at JAL, she’ll have it before I deplane.
We finally get everyone settled, and with Captain Kangaroo at the helm, we bounced gracelessly off the tarmac, into the warm, tropical Hawaiian air, finally headed for the Land of the Rising Sun.
Toivo was snoring like a chainsaw hitting rusty nails as I worked on the various letters, communiques, and dossiers which needed updating before we reached touchdown. I gave Luna a thick letter with instructions not to open it until we were on the ground and Toivo and I were well off and away into the terminal.
We left Hawaii at 1300 hours, so we should arrive at Tokyo Nareda around 4:00 pm, the previous day. I was so bereft of time and time zones, I couldn’t figure out what time it really was, as judged by my biometric rhythms, so I asked Luna for a stiff drink as I was kicking off my boots and going to attempt to get some kip.
She brought me another liter or so eponymous drink. I was sawing logs by the time I slurped the last swig of that nifty drink.
Suddenly, or later, I have no idea really, some loudmouth drunk asshole from way-the-fuck-back in economy-land toward the ass end of the plane staggered into Business demanding free drinks.
Luna was nothing but civil, and asked him to both shut up and return to his seat. His air cabin hostess, or whatever the fuck they’re calling them these days, will attend to his needs.
“Naw they won’t! They want me to pay for more drinks! I’m broke but I demand more booze! You fucking owe me.” railed the asshole. “I sat at the bar in Hawaii for four hours. Them fuckers charged me an arm and a leg!”
“No, they don’t owe you shit”, I said in a voice that unmistakably loud and clear.
“Fuck you, old man! You stay the fuck out of this!” he bellowed. “Shut up or I’ll do ya’!”
“’Old man’? ‘Do me’? Excuse me. Luna, may I have a word alone with this individual?” I asked sweetly.
Luna shook her head in the affirmative, and I stood up to confront this flagrant asshole.
“Now look, Scooter. You have gone way, way over the fucking line. You are loud. You are abusive. You are obnoxious. And you stink. Plus you insulted a person who is just barely containing his righteous wrath right now. So, I’m giving you one and one only chance to shut up, sit back down before your body spontaneously develops all sort of bruises, contusions, broken bones, and unconsciousness.” I said calmly, evenly, and threateningly.
“What da’ fuck you think you’re going to do…old man?” he screeched, trying to inflate himself into full mammalian threat posture, all 5’ 9” of it.
He didn’t notice Toivo walking up quietly behind him, as Toivo was returning from the head, quiet as a moose.
“Well, Scooter, I am an Air Marshall. Duly appointed, fully trained, and properly pissed off. Right now, I can arrest you, physically detain you, turn this flight around and take you to the Hawaiian police, at your cost for the inconvenience of the entire flight. Or I could arrest you, physically detain you, and turn you over to the Japanese authorities when we land. It’s really your choice. Choose wisely.”
To be continued…⇝

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